A Little Explanation

Ok I know I do not have to explain myself but I guess for anyone out there who stumbles across my page and decides to pass judgment with out even telling me who they are. I feel that they do not know the whole story and really they should keep their opinions to them selves since it is not doing any good and you aren’t going to “save” me from a comment you wrote on my chatterbox.

Most people who have known my family “forever” know that all of the kids were adopted and there was always a new baby in the house. It was pretty hard growing up and actually receiving the attention you wanted when you had to pretty much compete with 7 kids. Ginger was the favorite, Lisette was the wild one who received most of the negative attention, however attention none the less, Josh was the only boy for a while and was another one of my parents favorites, Tyree who came later was then the youngest and extremely hyper so he took a lot of my parents time and energy. Oh and don’t forget all the babies, my parents were foster parents who took special needs kids so on top of the 5 kids they had they would take in more that actually needed even more attention than a regular baby! And then there was me… I am sorta the black sheep of the family, never really fit in! I would always be made fun of by my family and not only by my siblings, I was told things like pizza face, or since I was always the thinner one in the family my family would swear that I was anorexic or throwing up my food, they would make fun of the one thing I was self conscience about or just pick out any flaw that I might have had. I was always called selfish also and that one hurt the most. I am still emotionally scarred from all that. I don’t have much self confidence at all and they are still saying how ugly I am and how fat I look! And no I am not exaggerating they actually say to my face that I am ugly and yes even my mom.

I’m sure that you are thinking that all that doesn’t sound too bad, my parents are good people, caring and self giving to help all these children. However, my mom is different. She took in kids for another reason that most people don’t know about but it was obvious to those who lived there. Since all the kids were older she no longer had anyone who actually needed her, we were all pretty self sufficient and even though being stubborn teens we couldn’t out right say so but we all needed her. She decided to fill that void with these kids, she loved the attention she got from them and the attention she got from other people that praised her that she is so wonderful and giving. I even told her that instead of helping these other children she needs to help the children in her house first and I pretty much pleaded with her to not take in any more babies but she didn’t listen. I asked for my moms help and she did not give it.

As far as religion goes my parents are hypocrites. According to their religion and most others the father is the head of the house hold, but not in my family. My mom runs everything, even when my dad makes an honest effort to do something she will go behind his back and do it her way. Rated R movies are often watched in my parent’s house mainly by my mom, gluttony, gossip, and passing judgment are things that are normal for their house hold. All my life I tried to do what was right but it never seemed good enough for my mom or really anyone else. I really had good intentions and when I was 18 I slipped up a little. I do not think it was right and as soon as it happened I went to the elders in our congregation and poured my heart out, I believed that the reason that that happened to me was because I was not attending meetings and I was not doing what I was supposed to. I was so sorry and I was willing to come back and make every effort to make it right and never let that happen again! I guess it was that in my case people could actually see what I did wrong and I was disfellowshipped. According to that religion you are only disfellowshipped if you are not repentant, they say. So I was totally confused as to why I got disfellowshipped and really hurt by it, I knew that people would think that I didn’t learn my lesson and that I wasn’t sorry for what I did even though I was. It hurt.

Never the less, I was determined to be reinstated in the least amount of time, I went to all the meetings and everything while people stared as I got bigger and bigger and I heard all the whispering behind my back and I still went. It was the hardest time in my life! I had no where to turn my parents never gave birth to a child so I had no clue what was going on with me and I couldn’t talk to anyone! How fair is that? I did get reinstated in a pretty short amount of time and everything was going pretty well. I had India and got this great job. About 2 months after I had India my mom snapped and actually attacked me and started slapping me in the face and swinging her fists at me all while I had India in my arms. I was so distraught by that situation and so scared for my child that I called the police. While they were on the way I was thinking of what I did, my mom would loose everything if I pressed charges on her and I know she would not be happy and I still had to live there. So when the police got there I did not press charges. It didn’t matter though because my mom was pissed! My mom out right told me that she did not want to see my face, if she was down stairs I had to be up stairs and visa versa. I was pretty much confined to my room with a newborn baby. It was hard to live in an environment like that and I eventually got sick of it. I saw a way out and I took it. Again not the smartest decisions and I knew it. That year soon became the worst year of my life.

Later I made another attempt to do what was right and I started attending meetings again even though I never really meant to stop before. However after my second meeting I was stopped by an elder and told that if I want to continue to come that I would have to talk to them first. That scared me. I didn’t see why I could not attend for a while until I was ready to talk but I guess those were the rules. I was extremely discouraged. I was living in Whittier at the time and I felt like everywhere I went people were watching me and going back to my family and telling them things. I was an adult and could not even step out of my house with out someone noticing.

I had a good friend at that time and I would relate all my feelings to that person about all that was going on. I was told that you don’t have to be perfect for God to love you and as long as you have faith and know what is wrong and right and not necessarily what a certain religion says that how can God not love you. That really made me feel better and now that is how I live.

I am so sick of people judging me and saying that every little thing I do is wrong. I was once told that saying “Gosh” was wrong since it sounds so close to God and if I say that I am using Gods name in vane! Can you believe that? I am also so so sick of people saying that I am a bad parent because I am not bringing my daughter up in this religion. But what I want to say is what other 18 year old do you know that got pregnant and after going through all that, has her life together? I am not relying on anyone right now. I have a great place and India is one of the healthiest kids I know, super happy and extremely confident. I have never been on welfare and have always worked so I can support her. She does not go one day with out hearing that I love her! What other person in my situation can say that? All the people who I know who got pregnant when they were a teen still go out and party as if they do not have a kid, they leave their kids with their parents and go out and do what they want. They don’t have a job and rely on people’s tax money to support them. Not me!

No I am not having my child grow up in a religion that everything she does is under a microscope, that people choose their religion over the families, that even though it is supposed to be God that is judging you other people take it upon themselves to judge you. No I am not having my child grow up that way but I will not stop her if later that is something she wants.

Now you tell me that I am a bad parent!