One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I promised I would update more often but nothing has really changed. My life sucks! I have the worst luck, it just seems like everything is happening all at once and it is never ending!

I had a job interview and it was only 10 miles away on the freeway so I left really early so I could be there early since no one hires someone who is late to the interview! Well, I get two miles away from my exit and DEAD STOP! I waited and waited and it was not letting up, I was only barely inching forward. I finally had to call and let them know I was going to be late. I didn't even want to show up after that but I did. I was 20 minutes late! Oh and get this...it took me 30 minutes to go two miles and when I was finally in the clear, I saw a truck picking up the orange cones so now when I tell them that there was road work, when they go back that way it wont be there! How frustrating! I was crying and beating my passenger seat. Oh and it took me over an hour to get there and only 15 minutes to get back home!!! No I did not get the job, they claim it was because they found someone better qualified but I know it was because I was late. So there is a little taste of how my life has been going for the past 6 months.

As for Patrick, I feel like I make progress every time I see him but nothing ever changes. He tells me he loves me and he even said he loved me more! (we used to tell each other that we loved each other all the time and then we would go back and forth about who loved who more but since we broke up when I tell him I love him more he doesn't really say anything back, but this time he did!) I also asked him to be my valentine. He agreed. =0) I am not sure what he is going to do if anything really. What does being some one's valentine really entail anyway?

I have been trying to get my self to move on and actually went on a date but no one compares to Patrick. I don't want to move on, I don't want anyone else, I want Patrick. I know it is sad but I really cant help it. I wish I could just get over it since I am going through hell with all these feelings but I cant help the way I feel. When I am with him we joke and act like we have never been apart and the other day when I saw him and we were talking, I could tell he loved me by just the way he would look at me. That is so hard for me. I cant give up on that! I am determined to get him back!

It has really been hard tho. All my friends back in California think I am crazy and want me to move back home. I really miss California but I cant leave yet. I am not ready. I need to do this in my own time. I don't think people really understand that. I don't care what anyone else really thinks about the situation because they are not there, they do not see what happens when we are together, they do not feel the way I do. I feel really bad but I am not giving up that easily.

OK I know I must be ranting however, I have so much on my mind and its good to get it out. Patrick told me that if we got back together he would be scared that I would cheat on him or break his heart again. How do I show him that I wont? I know for a fact that I would never do that. I know how it feels to be with out him and I would never want to feel this way ever again if I had the choice. I have realized so much in the past few months about myself and about my relationship and love for Patrick. I know that I don't want anyone else but him and its not going to change! He means the world to me. He just has to trust me, but how does he get to that point?

I think I have written enough for the day. I am sorry that I am pretty much repetitive in my posts but this is what is going on in my life. I feel like it should be made into a movie! I didn't know that people really felt like this in real life. I thought that this kind of love was only made up for people's viewing entertainment. Now I know that it is real!