Rock Bottom

... I really don't know where to start. My life is a total mess and I can't help but to think that it is all my fault.

I was fired from my job almost 2 weeks ago and I feel as though I have applied to a million places and no one is getting back to me. After I pay rent I have nothing! I don't know what to do and its a fight to keep going everyday because I get so discouraged!

My living situation sux...that's a whole other story.

And I still don't know where things are going with Patrick. I love him so much, I have never felt this way about anyone in my whole life! I hurt so bad not knowing if we are ever going to be together again. I really can't picture my life without him. I don't know what I was thinking ever messing that up and I truly hate myself for that. He is seeing someone now and I can't blame him but he says he is torn. I can see that he is scared but I can't take this waiting around. It hurts way to bad but then again I don't want to push him to a decision and him make the one I don't want. I just don't know anymore! I am really truly disgusted at myself for letting this happen! He says he still loves me but I don't know if he ever really wants to be with me again. And again it hurts so bad! I would give anything just to be married to him right now! I want our family back! I cry almost everyday and I can't keep being like this. I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't know what more I can say, what more I can do to show him that I am truly sorry and I realize what went wrong and I want to change it.

I have truly hit rock bottom!

I F***ed Up!

Wow what the hell was I thinking!?!?!? I had the most wonderful man, who took care of me and was the father of my child for the last 2 years and I gave that up all because I thought I was missing out on something!?!?!

I realize I had everything when I was with Patrick and if you read my previous blogs it even says I was the happiest I had ever been in my life and I truely still believe that. I really messed things up! I really hate myself at this point. I hurt the one person who I loved so much and who loved me back! I really think it was just cold feet and it was handled all wrong!

Someone please tell me what to do. I am trying to show him I still care and I still love him! I am planning on little surprises everyweek to show him how sorry I am and how much I still really care. I already made him a cd of all the songs that we had or that remind him of me or me of him and wrote a note on his car saying, " I heart U!" (thats what I did when we first started dating) he really liked it but alot is going on in my life and I think its hurting my chances of a second chance. I also plan on a goody basket of things he would really like... please let me know if you have any ideas...Im willing to do anything!!!! I dont want to loose what we had! I love him more than anything!!! (India is a different kind of love)! I want him back!