Shedding a New Light

It’s funny how things can change so suddenly. One day you think you have your whole life figured out and then the next you have no clue. One day I was all ready and willing to get married and thought I had found the man of my dreams and I am still not sure if it was cold feet or something else but it all ended.

For the most part I am glad I have this opportunity to reflect, to really look at my life and ask my self, “What do I want?” I think I have had this perception of how I want to be my whole life; however, I still have not achieved it. I feel like I don’t even look the way I want because I care too much about what everyone else thinks and I have chosen the “safe” way. I have really put what I want on hold for everyone else and I think I was kind of getting sick of it. Obviously I still have to put India before myself and I have done that and will continue to do that.

So right now I am going to try to be more independent. I have been pretty sheltered my whole life and soon after I turned 18 I was pregnant so I have never really had time on my own to experience new things and be independent. I need to do that for myself now. It’s going to be hard but I think I can manage.

I know everyone has heard this before but I guess I just realized how true it is… you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. I don’t think I have ever really been even ok with myself and it’s hard. I am working on it and will continue to work on it for myself and no one else. I am not trying to empress anyone but just be happy with myself. I cannot stress enough how important that is before you get into a relationship. I also think it is good to have some independence before you jump into a marriage. You need to know for yourself that you can survive on your own and not rely on anyone else to help you. That way the relationship will have a healthy balance.

I am gaining a whole new outlook on life and I’m excited to see where it will take me.

Bulging Bride?

I haven’t written one of these in a while and it looks as thought some people are noticing. I have been stressed lately with my crazy job and my wedding planning that I have had too many thoughts in my head to actually type something decent out.

So its about 6 weeks until my wedding and I have a huge problem. (That huge part being ME) So the other weekend I went with Patrick’s mom and sister to David’s Bridal to get his sister’s brides maids dress and I got myself one of those bra things that you wear that go all the way down your tummy. I was excited to try my dress on with it since the last time it was a bit snug around my chest area and I was sure that this would help! Well I had to have help putting that dumb bra thing on…its so fitted so its so hard to get on and impossible for anyone to do it by them selves. Then the dress… I got lost in all the layers and needed help with that too so Colleen (Patrick’s sister) was helping me out. She then processed to sip it up…I was sucking in all that I could and she said it wasn’t budging. She got it half way up and it would not go anymore. I told her to call her mom in and for sure she could do it…but no! It was not moving. I wanted to cry right there!!! What the heck I just got the dress like 3 months ago and I already can’t fit into it! So now I am on a diet and trying to exercise like crazy to loose all this weight before the big day so I cam actually fit into my dress and not look like a fat cow! I never thought I would be one of those people who couldn’t fit into their wedding dress.

I really think all this weight gain is due to stress. Since I have had my new job I have gained 10 pounds! CRAZY! I hate it and I am trying to de-stress my life but its not working…well as far as job stress goes. I work a crazy amount of hours each week and I made it a point to not work past my 8 hours but they are always asking me to do these urgent things right when I’m about to leave! I have been walking on my lunches and walking to pick up India from her day care. I think that would be a little over 2 miles I am walking a day. I really need to get my butt to the gym though. I am going to really push myself because I can’t afford not to loose this weight!

Other than that everything is looking good. I’ve gotten a lot more things for the wedding now I just need a few small things and I am good. I cant wait but at the same time I am super nervous cuz I just want everything to turn out alright.

Wedding tip- ELOPE! (you save money and your sanity!)

Good Friend??

Am I a good friend?

I would like to think I am but for some reason I don't think other people know. I am not all girly and giddy like alot of other girls I know and I don't like to call when I have nothing to talk about. I also don't like to think that I am the only one trying in a friendship. I don't like to be the only one calling or inviting or whatever it is.

I really don't think people understand how much they mean to me. Pretty much all my friends over the years I don't ever stop thinking about, never stop caring.

I miss so many of my friends and its sad because our friendships ended mainly because we didn't keep in contact as much as I would like.

I just want everyone to know that I still care! I love all my friends no matter how much of a friend they think they are to me.

XOXO

Precious Moments

Ok sorry for the last blog…a bit depressing, I know. However despite that whole mess the last two weeks have been great!

First off I was looking on craigslist like I do all the time and searched for boxers in the pets section. This is pretty much an everyday thing that I do just to see what is out there but Patrick made it clear that we could not get one. I don’t know if I wore him out with all the craigslist links I have been emailing him at work or seeing all the dogs there are at our apartment complex but I saw this ad for a 3 year old boxer who was up for adoption when his owner got lung cancer and was too sick to take care of him. I sent him the link and I heard nothing back the whole day. Later that night I asked him if he saw it and how cute the dog was and he asked if I emailed the person back. Well NOOOO I didn’t know I could! He told me to email them and see how much the adoption fee was and everything and I did. We could afford it so Patrick agreed to go check the dog out.


We arranged with the lady who was fostering the dog to go out on Saturday to see him and decide whether or not to adopt him. I was so excited I told everyone at work I was getting a new dog! (Even though we were just looking and nothing was final) I was too excited! Patrick worked on Saturday morning like usual and I was all ready by the time he got off but then the news came… we could not go to get the dog that day. I was sorta sad until he told me why. He got free tickets to the Washington Nationals game for that night! And it was not just any Nationals game it was the first game of the season and it was being played in a brand spankin new stadium! It was awesome! The stadium was so clean… the game sorta sucked but come on we made history! Our seats were great too just a few rows up from the field right behind first base! We were in the rich season holders section and I loved it.

The next day we drove out to BFE Virginia to check out the dog. As soon as we saw him we knew. He was so cute, calm and just loving! Patrick fell in love with him and before you knew it we were driving away with our new dog. So far he has been great. The lady was one of those crazy old ladies that take in animals and everything was dirty and smelly in her house. I was glad to take the dog out of there! We got him food and everything and gave him a bath that he wasn’t too fond of but man he was dirty! We just found out the other day that he has Kennel Cough (a common virus among dogs that are grouped together) and it sucks and I feel bad for the dog constantly coughing but it should be better soon. Now I can’t imagine our family with out him!


This last weekend was India’s 3rd Birthday (or Durrrdaaa as she likes to call it). We decided to take India to the National Zoo in DC and had tons of fun! She had a blast and got an adorable cheetah stuffed animal! She is so spoiled already so for her present we just got her a ton of clothes and so did Patrick’s family. For her actual birthday day Patrick’s parents took us all out to a Japanese Steak House were its pretty much a diner and show. It was great! We had a blast! India loved the fire!

I am so happy. My life is pretty good right now (other than my weight issue at the moment!) Patrick and I are both doing great at our jobs making more money than most at our age with out degrees and we have a great place, great child and now great dog! Our wedding is coming up soon and I can’t wait! I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life! I don’t see us going anywhere but up from here!

XOXO

PADOOO! (Thats what India calls him)

Aint he cute!?

In front of the new stadium

Patricks cheesy smile

Count it 9 rows up from the field!!!

Cheese!

A Little Explanation

Ok I know I do not have to explain myself but I guess for anyone out there who stumbles across my page and decides to pass judgment with out even telling me who they are. I feel that they do not know the whole story and really they should keep their opinions to them selves since it is not doing any good and you aren’t going to “save” me from a comment you wrote on my chatterbox.

Most people who have known my family “forever” know that all of the kids were adopted and there was always a new baby in the house. It was pretty hard growing up and actually receiving the attention you wanted when you had to pretty much compete with 7 kids. Ginger was the favorite, Lisette was the wild one who received most of the negative attention, however attention none the less, Josh was the only boy for a while and was another one of my parents favorites, Tyree who came later was then the youngest and extremely hyper so he took a lot of my parents time and energy. Oh and don’t forget all the babies, my parents were foster parents who took special needs kids so on top of the 5 kids they had they would take in more that actually needed even more attention than a regular baby! And then there was me… I am sorta the black sheep of the family, never really fit in! I would always be made fun of by my family and not only by my siblings, I was told things like pizza face, or since I was always the thinner one in the family my family would swear that I was anorexic or throwing up my food, they would make fun of the one thing I was self conscience about or just pick out any flaw that I might have had. I was always called selfish also and that one hurt the most. I am still emotionally scarred from all that. I don’t have much self confidence at all and they are still saying how ugly I am and how fat I look! And no I am not exaggerating they actually say to my face that I am ugly and yes even my mom.

I’m sure that you are thinking that all that doesn’t sound too bad, my parents are good people, caring and self giving to help all these children. However, my mom is different. She took in kids for another reason that most people don’t know about but it was obvious to those who lived there. Since all the kids were older she no longer had anyone who actually needed her, we were all pretty self sufficient and even though being stubborn teens we couldn’t out right say so but we all needed her. She decided to fill that void with these kids, she loved the attention she got from them and the attention she got from other people that praised her that she is so wonderful and giving. I even told her that instead of helping these other children she needs to help the children in her house first and I pretty much pleaded with her to not take in any more babies but she didn’t listen. I asked for my moms help and she did not give it.

As far as religion goes my parents are hypocrites. According to their religion and most others the father is the head of the house hold, but not in my family. My mom runs everything, even when my dad makes an honest effort to do something she will go behind his back and do it her way. Rated R movies are often watched in my parent’s house mainly by my mom, gluttony, gossip, and passing judgment are things that are normal for their house hold. All my life I tried to do what was right but it never seemed good enough for my mom or really anyone else. I really had good intentions and when I was 18 I slipped up a little. I do not think it was right and as soon as it happened I went to the elders in our congregation and poured my heart out, I believed that the reason that that happened to me was because I was not attending meetings and I was not doing what I was supposed to. I was so sorry and I was willing to come back and make every effort to make it right and never let that happen again! I guess it was that in my case people could actually see what I did wrong and I was disfellowshipped. According to that religion you are only disfellowshipped if you are not repentant, they say. So I was totally confused as to why I got disfellowshipped and really hurt by it, I knew that people would think that I didn’t learn my lesson and that I wasn’t sorry for what I did even though I was. It hurt.

Never the less, I was determined to be reinstated in the least amount of time, I went to all the meetings and everything while people stared as I got bigger and bigger and I heard all the whispering behind my back and I still went. It was the hardest time in my life! I had no where to turn my parents never gave birth to a child so I had no clue what was going on with me and I couldn’t talk to anyone! How fair is that? I did get reinstated in a pretty short amount of time and everything was going pretty well. I had India and got this great job. About 2 months after I had India my mom snapped and actually attacked me and started slapping me in the face and swinging her fists at me all while I had India in my arms. I was so distraught by that situation and so scared for my child that I called the police. While they were on the way I was thinking of what I did, my mom would loose everything if I pressed charges on her and I know she would not be happy and I still had to live there. So when the police got there I did not press charges. It didn’t matter though because my mom was pissed! My mom out right told me that she did not want to see my face, if she was down stairs I had to be up stairs and visa versa. I was pretty much confined to my room with a newborn baby. It was hard to live in an environment like that and I eventually got sick of it. I saw a way out and I took it. Again not the smartest decisions and I knew it. That year soon became the worst year of my life.

Later I made another attempt to do what was right and I started attending meetings again even though I never really meant to stop before. However after my second meeting I was stopped by an elder and told that if I want to continue to come that I would have to talk to them first. That scared me. I didn’t see why I could not attend for a while until I was ready to talk but I guess those were the rules. I was extremely discouraged. I was living in Whittier at the time and I felt like everywhere I went people were watching me and going back to my family and telling them things. I was an adult and could not even step out of my house with out someone noticing.

I had a good friend at that time and I would relate all my feelings to that person about all that was going on. I was told that you don’t have to be perfect for God to love you and as long as you have faith and know what is wrong and right and not necessarily what a certain religion says that how can God not love you. That really made me feel better and now that is how I live.

I am so sick of people judging me and saying that every little thing I do is wrong. I was once told that saying “Gosh” was wrong since it sounds so close to God and if I say that I am using Gods name in vane! Can you believe that? I am also so so sick of people saying that I am a bad parent because I am not bringing my daughter up in this religion. But what I want to say is what other 18 year old do you know that got pregnant and after going through all that, has her life together? I am not relying on anyone right now. I have a great place and India is one of the healthiest kids I know, super happy and extremely confident. I have never been on welfare and have always worked so I can support her. She does not go one day with out hearing that I love her! What other person in my situation can say that? All the people who I know who got pregnant when they were a teen still go out and party as if they do not have a kid, they leave their kids with their parents and go out and do what they want. They don’t have a job and rely on people’s tax money to support them. Not me!

No I am not having my child grow up in a religion that everything she does is under a microscope, that people choose their religion over the families, that even though it is supposed to be God that is judging you other people take it upon themselves to judge you. No I am not having my child grow up that way but I will not stop her if later that is something she wants.

Now you tell me that I am a bad parent!

My Daughter!

I am sure most of you know that I love my daughter India. She is the best thing in my life! Ever since I had her when I was 18 I have taken all responsibility to make sure she is safe, that she has everything she will ever need or want. It has been hard but I have sacrificed alot to do so. I haven't had too much outside help other than pretty much my friends support. I would trade nothing for her and even though I haven't had the life I have always dreamt of I am happy.

Most of you know that her "sperm donor" dad hasn't been in the picture too much. I did live with him for a while but that whole time he was controlling, abusive mentally and physically, took advantage of me and my money. I had so many things I had to pay off or debt I found my self in because of him he also managed to loose alot of my person items that held very sentimental value to me. It was the worst year of my life but I got through it. I paid everything off and my credit was never harmed. (Thank God!) After moving he didn't try to see her much at all but I was willing to work with him so he is in her life. (don't ask me why.) With all my attempts to help him out he never really tried to be apart of her life.

Eventually we moved on I found the love of my life and he came into India's life. Since then we have moved to Virginia, away from everything. We are planning on getting married and possibly Patrick to adopt India after. Patrick is India's daddy, she loves him and he lover her and our family is complete.

Three months away from our wedding and I hear that Joey wants to make a "Comeback" and he wrote a whole crappy blog to that affect:

Today is a new day, Today is my Comeback! Current mood: confident
The are only a few things you can take out of a persons life, friends come and go all the time, people mess up and lose there homes there cars and the way of life (Damn you Bush hahaha) but one thing that you will never be able to strip from a person is there heart, and there family............ As long as you have the heart to stand up and fight for what you know you deserve, you know that you love, you know that no one else should try and take part of or replace then you will have the will to continue, the will to change your life around for the better and take back what you know should have not been taken away from you to begin with. There is no one (NO ONE!!!!) that can stop you or stand in your way...... this is something that a certain someone is about to find out very soon, that no matter how much you take from that person, with the heart they have inside them, they will COMEBACK and not for revange, not to destroy your life or your hope, but just to take back which rightfully belongs to them, i have made my COMEBACK, you will see my return (no drama intended).

Daddy loves his baby!

I guess he never loved her enough before since he didn't do much before. Oh and all that crap about how he is going to take back what is rightfully his like she is some object. And that she was taken away from him. For your information when I moved I told him that he can come out to see her when ever he wants. That he would have to help out with child support about $500 a month and the month that he wants to see her then he doesn't have to pay so he can use that money towards a plane ticket or whatever. I thought that was super nice. I never took him to court for child support or anything, mainly cuz he was not on the birth certificate and I really never wanted him on it. I have just gotten used to our family with out him in it. I couldn't imagine India going with someone she doesn't even know, she doesn't remember him at all. He doesn't know anything that has gone on with her in the last year or so. Why now! I also watched Gone Baby Gone after I read and got stressed about this whole situation. Not the best movie to watch when you are scared about someone else trying to take your child.

If anyone has any suggestions, I am all up for it! Thanks for reading!

Here our some pics of the family:

On the Cleanse

I was doing so well until about 7pm I had to eat something, but it really was for the better. India ended up getting the flu and passing it on to Patrick and I. I haven't been to work for pretty much the whole week but I can't do much about it. I felt horrible! It took everything in me not to throw up (I hate throwing up with a passion)! My whole body hurt and I couldn't eat (sorta upside to being sick) and could barely move. Oh and this had to be when we don't have cable and my phone is broken so I was totally bored on top of it all!

So the cleanse would not have been so great to continue at that time. I still think it would be good to do but just not now. It is super hard tho... the hunger is so strong the first few days. I just wanted to chew anything. Oh well... I will let you all know if I ever decide to do it again.

On the plus side of being sick I have lost 4 pounds! I have been eating but not too much, mostly saltine crackers and some cereal. Hopefully when I feel better I can keep it off and even loose more. We went to the store a few days ago before I felt so bad and got a ton of healthy food, fruits, yogurt, veggies and whole grain wheat bread. I plan on exercising when I have the energy and hopefully I can loose 10 lbs by my wedding or sooner. =) That would be great!

Again, wish me luck! =)

current weight 136