HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I know that I haven't posted on here in a while but my life has been a roller coaster for the last few months. My life went spiraling down and I have been trying to get back on my feet ever since. Some things are getting better slowly and others I am still working on.

As for Patrick, I don't even know anymore. The situation is complicated and now I am just waiting on him. We still hang out and when we do its like we have never been apart and I'm sure if a stranger saw us they would think we were together. I guess he is still apprehensive to the idea of us getting back together and in some ways I understand but I have tried to reassure him that it will not be the same as before. Before was not bad but I think he is scared that it will be like we are married again when he really needs to concentrate on himself right now with work and school. He tells me that he doesn't want to have to support me and he wants me to be able to do it on my own. I don't want to have to be supported and I tell him that all the time but currently my job situation is not the best and I really need to be making more money but I am working on it. He tells me he still loves me and I know he does, I can see it in his eyes. But I am not ready to let go, I am still trying no matter what...I am not going to let the best thing in my life go!

India is in California with my family at the moment. My mom offered to watch her for a while so I can get back on my feet. However, that was not the best idea. My family has been going behind my back doing things that they know that I would not approve of concerning my daughter and they do it anyway with out my knowledge. It is extremely frustrating and I know they are only doing it to get under my skin. I cannot wait to get her back I miss her so much, it has proven to be alot harder than I imagined. As for my family, once I get her back it will be a LONG while until they see or hear from me or my daughter again.

So 2008 proved to be a really hard year full of unexpected surprises and hardships. I am going to make 2009 better if it kills me! Most people resolve to loose weight but this year I am going to be more organized, more responsible and make sure I am headed in the right direction for my future. I am really trying but it's frustrating that these things take time. For now I am staying in VA, still looking for a new job that pays better, and of course fighting to get Patrick back.

WISH ME LUCK!

and if anyone has any ideas or suggestions for sweet things I can do to show Patrick I am the one, I am all ears!

Also, thank you all for your support in reading my blog. I will try to update more often. Hope everyone had a happy new year!

Things are looking up!

People kept telling me that things were going to get worse before they would get better and ya everything was really bad. Now finally things are better...everything! First off, Patrick and I are back together! We both realize that we really love each other and we don't want to be apart anymore. Alot of things happened but if we get through it all we are going to be stronger for it. I am so happy to have him back! I also was offered an awesome job and can't wait to start!

Now I am just working on getting everything back on trac but it looks good. Thanks to everyone's support through all of this.

I will keep everyone updated on what happens from here on out! Thanks again for reading! =0)

Rock Bottom

... I really don't know where to start. My life is a total mess and I can't help but to think that it is all my fault.

I was fired from my job almost 2 weeks ago and I feel as though I have applied to a million places and no one is getting back to me. After I pay rent I have nothing! I don't know what to do and its a fight to keep going everyday because I get so discouraged!

My living situation sux...that's a whole other story.

And I still don't know where things are going with Patrick. I love him so much, I have never felt this way about anyone in my whole life! I hurt so bad not knowing if we are ever going to be together again. I really can't picture my life without him. I don't know what I was thinking ever messing that up and I truly hate myself for that. He is seeing someone now and I can't blame him but he says he is torn. I can see that he is scared but I can't take this waiting around. It hurts way to bad but then again I don't want to push him to a decision and him make the one I don't want. I just don't know anymore! I am really truly disgusted at myself for letting this happen! He says he still loves me but I don't know if he ever really wants to be with me again. And again it hurts so bad! I would give anything just to be married to him right now! I want our family back! I cry almost everyday and I can't keep being like this. I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't know what more I can say, what more I can do to show him that I am truly sorry and I realize what went wrong and I want to change it.

I have truly hit rock bottom!

I F***ed Up!

Wow what the hell was I thinking!?!?!? I had the most wonderful man, who took care of me and was the father of my child for the last 2 years and I gave that up all because I thought I was missing out on something!?!?!

I realize I had everything when I was with Patrick and if you read my previous blogs it even says I was the happiest I had ever been in my life and I truely still believe that. I really messed things up! I really hate myself at this point. I hurt the one person who I loved so much and who loved me back! I really think it was just cold feet and it was handled all wrong!

Someone please tell me what to do. I am trying to show him I still care and I still love him! I am planning on little surprises everyweek to show him how sorry I am and how much I still really care. I already made him a cd of all the songs that we had or that remind him of me or me of him and wrote a note on his car saying, " I heart U!" (thats what I did when we first started dating) he really liked it but alot is going on in my life and I think its hurting my chances of a second chance. I also plan on a goody basket of things he would really like... please let me know if you have any ideas...Im willing to do anything!!!! I dont want to loose what we had! I love him more than anything!!! (India is a different kind of love)! I want him back!

Shedding a New Light

It’s funny how things can change so suddenly. One day you think you have your whole life figured out and then the next you have no clue. One day I was all ready and willing to get married and thought I had found the man of my dreams and I am still not sure if it was cold feet or something else but it all ended.

For the most part I am glad I have this opportunity to reflect, to really look at my life and ask my self, “What do I want?” I think I have had this perception of how I want to be my whole life; however, I still have not achieved it. I feel like I don’t even look the way I want because I care too much about what everyone else thinks and I have chosen the “safe” way. I have really put what I want on hold for everyone else and I think I was kind of getting sick of it. Obviously I still have to put India before myself and I have done that and will continue to do that.

So right now I am going to try to be more independent. I have been pretty sheltered my whole life and soon after I turned 18 I was pregnant so I have never really had time on my own to experience new things and be independent. I need to do that for myself now. It’s going to be hard but I think I can manage.

I know everyone has heard this before but I guess I just realized how true it is… you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. I don’t think I have ever really been even ok with myself and it’s hard. I am working on it and will continue to work on it for myself and no one else. I am not trying to empress anyone but just be happy with myself. I cannot stress enough how important that is before you get into a relationship. I also think it is good to have some independence before you jump into a marriage. You need to know for yourself that you can survive on your own and not rely on anyone else to help you. That way the relationship will have a healthy balance.

I am gaining a whole new outlook on life and I’m excited to see where it will take me.

Bulging Bride?

I haven’t written one of these in a while and it looks as thought some people are noticing. I have been stressed lately with my crazy job and my wedding planning that I have had too many thoughts in my head to actually type something decent out.

So its about 6 weeks until my wedding and I have a huge problem. (That huge part being ME) So the other weekend I went with Patrick’s mom and sister to David’s Bridal to get his sister’s brides maids dress and I got myself one of those bra things that you wear that go all the way down your tummy. I was excited to try my dress on with it since the last time it was a bit snug around my chest area and I was sure that this would help! Well I had to have help putting that dumb bra thing on…its so fitted so its so hard to get on and impossible for anyone to do it by them selves. Then the dress… I got lost in all the layers and needed help with that too so Colleen (Patrick’s sister) was helping me out. She then processed to sip it up…I was sucking in all that I could and she said it wasn’t budging. She got it half way up and it would not go anymore. I told her to call her mom in and for sure she could do it…but no! It was not moving. I wanted to cry right there!!! What the heck I just got the dress like 3 months ago and I already can’t fit into it! So now I am on a diet and trying to exercise like crazy to loose all this weight before the big day so I cam actually fit into my dress and not look like a fat cow! I never thought I would be one of those people who couldn’t fit into their wedding dress.

I really think all this weight gain is due to stress. Since I have had my new job I have gained 10 pounds! CRAZY! I hate it and I am trying to de-stress my life but its not working…well as far as job stress goes. I work a crazy amount of hours each week and I made it a point to not work past my 8 hours but they are always asking me to do these urgent things right when I’m about to leave! I have been walking on my lunches and walking to pick up India from her day care. I think that would be a little over 2 miles I am walking a day. I really need to get my butt to the gym though. I am going to really push myself because I can’t afford not to loose this weight!

Other than that everything is looking good. I’ve gotten a lot more things for the wedding now I just need a few small things and I am good. I cant wait but at the same time I am super nervous cuz I just want everything to turn out alright.

Wedding tip- ELOPE! (you save money and your sanity!)

Good Friend??

Am I a good friend?

I would like to think I am but for some reason I don't think other people know. I am not all girly and giddy like alot of other girls I know and I don't like to call when I have nothing to talk about. I also don't like to think that I am the only one trying in a friendship. I don't like to be the only one calling or inviting or whatever it is.

I really don't think people understand how much they mean to me. Pretty much all my friends over the years I don't ever stop thinking about, never stop caring.

I miss so many of my friends and its sad because our friendships ended mainly because we didn't keep in contact as much as I would like.

I just want everyone to know that I still care! I love all my friends no matter how much of a friend they think they are to me.

XOXO