Being a girl

I absolutely hate it! I get al these crazy emotions and they are never consistent. One day I will be so sure of myself and the other I will have no clue. I feel as though I am stuck at a fork in the raod. I have two paths I can go down but I want to make sure I am going down the right one.

Being a girl, I have a really hard time making decisions in my life...even the small ones like where I am going to eat. So when it comes to the major life decisions I go insane. I want to do what is best and I dont want to hurt anyone in the process but it seems like no matter which decision I make I will end up hurting someone.

What do I do?

FINALLY!!!

It is official! Patrick and I are back together!!!!

Even though it took some time, he got rid of his girlfriend and told me that I am everything that he has ever wanted and he doesn't want to loose me again.

It has started pretty fast and all of the sudden I still kind of feel as though it is too good to be true but we are very open with our feelings for each other and our fears and what we need to do to get this to work out and I am confident we can do it.

This is the man I am going to marry! I know it! I have known it and I know we hit a bit of a road bump but if we get through this I know we will have a strong relationship and be more apt to deal with smaller issues as they come up down the line.

A whole year and it finally happened. I got my second chance and I couldn't be happier!

I am alone?

As a single mom I feel so alone. I know there are a lot of single mom’s out there but I don’t feel like any are in a similar situation.

It is really hard for me and I know there are a ton of single mom’s out there who make it all the time but how? What am I doing wrong? Is it just that I don’t have the same benefits as other single mom’s? Yesterday I was told by a friend that I have no excuse not to go to college. He said that both of his sister’s did it as single moms. How? He wasn’t able to answer that. I would love to go back to school. I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up and what I was going to do to get there but having a kid at 18 sure changed my plans. I work full time and I have to work full time unless I find some awesome high paying job that will pay my bills part time. (Doubtful) I can hardly make ends meat as it is. Then there is the question, who will watch India when I am at school? I don’t have family and I haven’t lived out here that long so I don’t really know a lot of people that would watch India for me unless I pay them, but then my money issue comes up again. But how can I make more money with out going to school? Especially in the area I live in, if you don’t have a bachelor’s degree they won’t even look at your resume. So no time, no money and no babysitter. Are there any solutions?

People tell me all the time that there are a bunch of special programs to help single moms but where the hell are they? The only thing I ever received was WIC. That helped out for about 10 months with the cost of formula and some cereal and peanut butter. I can’t get TANF (temporary assistance for needy families) because I make too much. I don’t make a lot at all…yes its over minimum wage but I can hardly live off of it with daycare costs and bills. Then they have those Head Start programs for kids so that they can go to daycare or kindergarten for free. The maximum income was like $13,000 a year! Yes I make over that! That is $6.25 an hour if you work full time. In Ca I applied to get assistance to help pay for childcare and I was placed on a waitlist. I was on that waitlist for 2 years until I moved out to Virginia. They say that the program takes the neediest families first. So they push you back to help out a family who makes less money and has more kids! That is bull shit! I learned from my, I don’t want to say mistake, but really it wasn’t planned so for now and for lack of a better word, I will go with mistake. I learned from it and worked hard to make some money to support her and myself but I still need that little bit of assistance to get by…but NO!

The illegal immigrants who come to America and pop out these kids just so they have citizenship get all the money, while they stay at home and their husbands are on street corners at 7-11 or Home Depot looking for jobs. So in essence, I will get more help if I just stopped trying to make money myself. What kind of crap is that??? C’mon Obama, how are you going to fix this?! I am all about helping people but not when they are not helping themselves. I don’t give bums on the corner money at all…sorry I feel no sympathy! Anyone can get a job! Fast food restaurants are always hiring and I know I kind of dissed it earlier, but even standing outside 7-11 or Home Depot…it’s something! It is the people that struggle and are actually making an honest effort to better themselves and their lives that need the most help and will prove the most productive to society. Most of the time these people just need a little assistance to get them to where they want to be and they can take over after that. “Bums” on the other hand get money, waste it and are back in the same situation as before. We are wasting hard working people’s tax money on “bums” when we could be helping out people who need it and would appreciate it and eventually give back to the community. It really sickens me!

I really want to start my own non profit organization for this very reason to help out people in my similar situations. To help people that are not trying to cheat the system but are truly hardworking but need just a little assistance to get them by. If anyone has any information on how I would go about that, it would be helpful. I always thought about doing that if I ever happened to win the lottery (I dream big!)

Anyway…if any single moms read my blog and have any information or input or suggestions on how they have gotten by, I would love to hear them. Until next time… TAKE CARE!

Current Obsessions!

Ok I kinda stole this but what eva!

My current obsessions:

Money: Always…I am always looking for ways to make more money. This economy sucks right now and as a single mother, even tho I have a decent job now, it is hard to make ends meat.

Reality TV (preferably VH1): Yes I know but I love it. It is junk food for the brain! Rock of Love Bus, Rock of Daisy and Tough Love, which I had mentioned in a previous blog. It sort of makes me realize that my life is really not that bad.

Cleaning: Even though I have awesome roommate, they don’t seem to live up to my standards of cleanliness. We have such a nice house with nice things and I want to keep it nice and have actually become some what compulsive about it. I just really hate clutter…it makes me feel overwhelmed.

Astrology: I am sort of obsessed with reading my horoscope every month. I use www.astrologyzone.com. Its this lady Susan Miller who writes all the monthly forecasts. I heard her once on Star 98.7 in ca and she was amazing I had to look her up and now for over 2 years I have been reading my monthly horoscope religiously. It is crazy how some things apply to my life. And for all you critics out there…yes it is pretty vague, however, to accurately tell someone their horoscope you need to know the exact time and date they were born so obviously not everyone who is a Taurus is going to have the exact same horoscope but I can find things that apply to my life. Oh and no I don’t live by it it’s just something that either gives me hope or prepares me for what might come. I would highly recommend everyone to check it out.

So those are currently the things I am obsessing over. Maybe my next blog will be all the things that are pissing me off…but I think that it might be too long of a list. Anywho… hope you are enjoying me posting more often. LATER!

Giving in and Birthdays

Ok my not talking to Patrick didn’t last long at all. I went from Friday until Wednesday… ok that was a long time for me. He said he missed me and that he was sad that he hadn’t heard from me and figured that I didn’t want to talk. He said he was going to see how long it would be until I talked to him…but that is what I was doing! =0/ Oh well.

I finally got through to him more though. I told him I was feeling really lonely lately and that I wanted him to make a decision whether or not he wanted to see me more and sort of date to see if we are still compatible. He said that he wants to do that! =0) Yay for me! It has only been two days and he has been reaching out to me more to talk to me. Most of the time we just email each other all day at work but I really would like him to call me when he can or even text me and tell me more about what is going on in his life and all. Well he has done that. We talked on the phone and he was even texting me during his class last night.

I think I am on the right track with him right now. The only thing I am worried about is being able to spend time with him. Now that I have India back it is really tough to get any time for myself and Patrick doesn’t think it would be a good idea for India to see him again just yet. She has been through a lot and seeing someone that she had called Dad for so long again after someone else has been introduced into her life as her dad (against my wishes) will just confuse her. Plus it makes him really sad to see her and I understand that.

Ok other than that, I have been super busy. Working and taking care of India when I get home is not taking up all of my time. It has been sort of overwhelming for me since I can’t really have any time for myself. It has been a little harder than I thought to adjust back. It is my birthday as well as Mother’s Day on the 10th! Sadly, my birthday has never really been a big deal. Growing up not celebrating it really sucked and now that I can it has just been sort of lame. I don’t have any plans but I really want a tattoo. =0/

Oh and for the person that reads my blog that is a JW, I have a question? What is so wrong with celebrating birthdays? Celebrating an anniversary is fine according to the religion so in that case it is ok to celebrate another year that two people are married but not ok to celebrate another year that you are alive? That doesn’t make sense to me. I never understood that. From my understanding, in the Bible they mentioned two birthdays, however, someone got their head cut off at each one so now JWs think it’s a bad thing. I don’t necessary think that the birthday had anything to do with it. I would really like some clarification on this if possible.

Anywho I need to get some work done! Later!

Tough Love

I have decided that I am going to give Patrick a break. I am going to stop talking to him everyday and see if he even cares. I love him so much but the way I have felt for the last year sux! I feel rejected and not wanted and I am really getting sick of it! He keeps leading me on and I am letting him. I have given him the option to walk away and say goodbye but he doesn’t take it and he still tells me he loves me but doesn’t know if he wants to get back together just yet. I think I have waited long enough.

I really want to start dating again. I have been single for almost a year now and I am really getting that itch. I want to feel loved and I want to share things with someone again. I really want to feel those butterflies again! I just really have no clue how to go about it. Where do I look? I am a little apprehensive because I know most guys my age are not keen on the idea of dating someone with a kid so it’s a little harder for me. Plus where do I find the time and who is going to watch India? I can’t take her on my dates and I really would rather them not meet her until I am a little more serious about them also.

I have been watching that show, Tough Love on VH1 and man I really need something like that! And the guys they are being hooked up with are H.O.T! Not sure if any of you follow the show but Brock is just what I am looking for. LOL! I am still convinced that I found the man of my dreams and I let him go but I am waiting for someone to prove me wrong.

I will keep everyone updated on my endeavors. And if anyone has any dating tips I would love to hear them!

Refreshed

He hehe… I am updating! YAY.

So I actually have some good news to report too. SO much has happened in the last few months and it looks like things are getting better for me. So in a nutshell… I moved. I love my roommates they are awesome down to earth people and even tho they are a little messier than I would prefer they are super nice and easy to get along with. My roommate Crystall has a daughter that is 2 months younger than India so its perfect.

I got a new job. Its temp to perm but it’s a job regardless. I make more money and once I get hired on permanent I will be making even more money!

I don’t think I wrote before that while India was in CA her “sperm donor” decided to file for custody so there was this automatic restraining order keeping both parents from taking her out of the state so I could not take her home! =0( I was so stressed! He wanted full custody and just to give me visitation! Well I went to court in CA the other week and it ended up getting dismissed since CA does not have jurisdiction and I was able to take her home with me! I am so happy to see her again and she is not leaving my side!

I have cut off my family completely! They are psycho and I am convinced my mother is a sociopath. I do not think it is healthy to have them apart of India’s or my life any longer. Anyone want to adopt me? =0P

I got my tax return back and was able to pay a lot of the bills I had been putting off. I am still struggling a little now that India is back but I am sure I will catch up soon.

And now as for Patrick… this is the one that I really wish I could report some great news on but it’s pretty much the same. We still see each other every once in a while. We did start seeing each other almost every Sunday and I would stay over at his place and I loved it. I loved waking up to his face in the morning and obviously enjoyed the night before! ;0) Sorry but I do have my needs! We went to the movies recently and saw Watchmen and we had so much fun! Sadly he is still seeing someone. I kind of feel bad but I love even the little time me and him spend together and I cant give it up. I don’t know who she is, I don’t even know her name and I don’t want to! I will probably hate that name or it will make me sad every time I hear it. I really want to move things along more with him and I am getting tired of waiting but I can’t bring myself to do anything because I am so scared of completely loosing him. But we still email back and forth everyday and I think if I continue on this track I might have a good chance.

We will see.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I promised I would update more often but nothing has really changed. My life sucks! I have the worst luck, it just seems like everything is happening all at once and it is never ending!

I had a job interview and it was only 10 miles away on the freeway so I left really early so I could be there early since no one hires someone who is late to the interview! Well, I get two miles away from my exit and DEAD STOP! I waited and waited and it was not letting up, I was only barely inching forward. I finally had to call and let them know I was going to be late. I didn't even want to show up after that but I did. I was 20 minutes late! Oh and get this...it took me 30 minutes to go two miles and when I was finally in the clear, I saw a truck picking up the orange cones so now when I tell them that there was road work, when they go back that way it wont be there! How frustrating! I was crying and beating my passenger seat. Oh and it took me over an hour to get there and only 15 minutes to get back home!!! No I did not get the job, they claim it was because they found someone better qualified but I know it was because I was late. So there is a little taste of how my life has been going for the past 6 months.

As for Patrick, I feel like I make progress every time I see him but nothing ever changes. He tells me he loves me and he even said he loved me more! (we used to tell each other that we loved each other all the time and then we would go back and forth about who loved who more but since we broke up when I tell him I love him more he doesn't really say anything back, but this time he did!) I also asked him to be my valentine. He agreed. =0) I am not sure what he is going to do if anything really. What does being some one's valentine really entail anyway?

I have been trying to get my self to move on and actually went on a date but no one compares to Patrick. I don't want to move on, I don't want anyone else, I want Patrick. I know it is sad but I really cant help it. I wish I could just get over it since I am going through hell with all these feelings but I cant help the way I feel. When I am with him we joke and act like we have never been apart and the other day when I saw him and we were talking, I could tell he loved me by just the way he would look at me. That is so hard for me. I cant give up on that! I am determined to get him back!

It has really been hard tho. All my friends back in California think I am crazy and want me to move back home. I really miss California but I cant leave yet. I am not ready. I need to do this in my own time. I don't think people really understand that. I don't care what anyone else really thinks about the situation because they are not there, they do not see what happens when we are together, they do not feel the way I do. I feel really bad but I am not giving up that easily.

OK I know I must be ranting however, I have so much on my mind and its good to get it out. Patrick told me that if we got back together he would be scared that I would cheat on him or break his heart again. How do I show him that I wont? I know for a fact that I would never do that. I know how it feels to be with out him and I would never want to feel this way ever again if I had the choice. I have realized so much in the past few months about myself and about my relationship and love for Patrick. I know that I don't want anyone else but him and its not going to change! He means the world to me. He just has to trust me, but how does he get to that point?

I think I have written enough for the day. I am sorry that I am pretty much repetitive in my posts but this is what is going on in my life. I feel like it should be made into a movie! I didn't know that people really felt like this in real life. I thought that this kind of love was only made up for people's viewing entertainment. Now I know that it is real!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I know that I haven't posted on here in a while but my life has been a roller coaster for the last few months. My life went spiraling down and I have been trying to get back on my feet ever since. Some things are getting better slowly and others I am still working on.

As for Patrick, I don't even know anymore. The situation is complicated and now I am just waiting on him. We still hang out and when we do its like we have never been apart and I'm sure if a stranger saw us they would think we were together. I guess he is still apprehensive to the idea of us getting back together and in some ways I understand but I have tried to reassure him that it will not be the same as before. Before was not bad but I think he is scared that it will be like we are married again when he really needs to concentrate on himself right now with work and school. He tells me that he doesn't want to have to support me and he wants me to be able to do it on my own. I don't want to have to be supported and I tell him that all the time but currently my job situation is not the best and I really need to be making more money but I am working on it. He tells me he still loves me and I know he does, I can see it in his eyes. But I am not ready to let go, I am still trying no matter what...I am not going to let the best thing in my life go!

India is in California with my family at the moment. My mom offered to watch her for a while so I can get back on my feet. However, that was not the best idea. My family has been going behind my back doing things that they know that I would not approve of concerning my daughter and they do it anyway with out my knowledge. It is extremely frustrating and I know they are only doing it to get under my skin. I cannot wait to get her back I miss her so much, it has proven to be alot harder than I imagined. As for my family, once I get her back it will be a LONG while until they see or hear from me or my daughter again.

So 2008 proved to be a really hard year full of unexpected surprises and hardships. I am going to make 2009 better if it kills me! Most people resolve to loose weight but this year I am going to be more organized, more responsible and make sure I am headed in the right direction for my future. I am really trying but it's frustrating that these things take time. For now I am staying in VA, still looking for a new job that pays better, and of course fighting to get Patrick back.

WISH ME LUCK!

and if anyone has any ideas or suggestions for sweet things I can do to show Patrick I am the one, I am all ears!

Also, thank you all for your support in reading my blog. I will try to update more often. Hope everyone had a happy new year!

Things are looking up!

People kept telling me that things were going to get worse before they would get better and ya everything was really bad. Now finally things are better...everything! First off, Patrick and I are back together! We both realize that we really love each other and we don't want to be apart anymore. Alot of things happened but if we get through it all we are going to be stronger for it. I am so happy to have him back! I also was offered an awesome job and can't wait to start!

Now I am just working on getting everything back on trac but it looks good. Thanks to everyone's support through all of this.

I will keep everyone updated on what happens from here on out! Thanks again for reading! =0)

Rock Bottom

... I really don't know where to start. My life is a total mess and I can't help but to think that it is all my fault.

I was fired from my job almost 2 weeks ago and I feel as though I have applied to a million places and no one is getting back to me. After I pay rent I have nothing! I don't know what to do and its a fight to keep going everyday because I get so discouraged!

My living situation sux...that's a whole other story.

And I still don't know where things are going with Patrick. I love him so much, I have never felt this way about anyone in my whole life! I hurt so bad not knowing if we are ever going to be together again. I really can't picture my life without him. I don't know what I was thinking ever messing that up and I truly hate myself for that. He is seeing someone now and I can't blame him but he says he is torn. I can see that he is scared but I can't take this waiting around. It hurts way to bad but then again I don't want to push him to a decision and him make the one I don't want. I just don't know anymore! I am really truly disgusted at myself for letting this happen! He says he still loves me but I don't know if he ever really wants to be with me again. And again it hurts so bad! I would give anything just to be married to him right now! I want our family back! I cry almost everyday and I can't keep being like this. I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't know what more I can say, what more I can do to show him that I am truly sorry and I realize what went wrong and I want to change it.

I have truly hit rock bottom!

I F***ed Up!

Wow what the hell was I thinking!?!?!? I had the most wonderful man, who took care of me and was the father of my child for the last 2 years and I gave that up all because I thought I was missing out on something!?!?!

I realize I had everything when I was with Patrick and if you read my previous blogs it even says I was the happiest I had ever been in my life and I truely still believe that. I really messed things up! I really hate myself at this point. I hurt the one person who I loved so much and who loved me back! I really think it was just cold feet and it was handled all wrong!

Someone please tell me what to do. I am trying to show him I still care and I still love him! I am planning on little surprises everyweek to show him how sorry I am and how much I still really care. I already made him a cd of all the songs that we had or that remind him of me or me of him and wrote a note on his car saying, " I heart U!" (thats what I did when we first started dating) he really liked it but alot is going on in my life and I think its hurting my chances of a second chance. I also plan on a goody basket of things he would really like... please let me know if you have any ideas...Im willing to do anything!!!! I dont want to loose what we had! I love him more than anything!!! (India is a different kind of love)! I want him back!

Shedding a New Light

It’s funny how things can change so suddenly. One day you think you have your whole life figured out and then the next you have no clue. One day I was all ready and willing to get married and thought I had found the man of my dreams and I am still not sure if it was cold feet or something else but it all ended.

For the most part I am glad I have this opportunity to reflect, to really look at my life and ask my self, “What do I want?” I think I have had this perception of how I want to be my whole life; however, I still have not achieved it. I feel like I don’t even look the way I want because I care too much about what everyone else thinks and I have chosen the “safe” way. I have really put what I want on hold for everyone else and I think I was kind of getting sick of it. Obviously I still have to put India before myself and I have done that and will continue to do that.

So right now I am going to try to be more independent. I have been pretty sheltered my whole life and soon after I turned 18 I was pregnant so I have never really had time on my own to experience new things and be independent. I need to do that for myself now. It’s going to be hard but I think I can manage.

I know everyone has heard this before but I guess I just realized how true it is… you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. I don’t think I have ever really been even ok with myself and it’s hard. I am working on it and will continue to work on it for myself and no one else. I am not trying to empress anyone but just be happy with myself. I cannot stress enough how important that is before you get into a relationship. I also think it is good to have some independence before you jump into a marriage. You need to know for yourself that you can survive on your own and not rely on anyone else to help you. That way the relationship will have a healthy balance.

I am gaining a whole new outlook on life and I’m excited to see where it will take me.

Bulging Bride?

I haven’t written one of these in a while and it looks as thought some people are noticing. I have been stressed lately with my crazy job and my wedding planning that I have had too many thoughts in my head to actually type something decent out.

So its about 6 weeks until my wedding and I have a huge problem. (That huge part being ME) So the other weekend I went with Patrick’s mom and sister to David’s Bridal to get his sister’s brides maids dress and I got myself one of those bra things that you wear that go all the way down your tummy. I was excited to try my dress on with it since the last time it was a bit snug around my chest area and I was sure that this would help! Well I had to have help putting that dumb bra thing on…its so fitted so its so hard to get on and impossible for anyone to do it by them selves. Then the dress… I got lost in all the layers and needed help with that too so Colleen (Patrick’s sister) was helping me out. She then processed to sip it up…I was sucking in all that I could and she said it wasn’t budging. She got it half way up and it would not go anymore. I told her to call her mom in and for sure she could do it…but no! It was not moving. I wanted to cry right there!!! What the heck I just got the dress like 3 months ago and I already can’t fit into it! So now I am on a diet and trying to exercise like crazy to loose all this weight before the big day so I cam actually fit into my dress and not look like a fat cow! I never thought I would be one of those people who couldn’t fit into their wedding dress.

I really think all this weight gain is due to stress. Since I have had my new job I have gained 10 pounds! CRAZY! I hate it and I am trying to de-stress my life but its not working…well as far as job stress goes. I work a crazy amount of hours each week and I made it a point to not work past my 8 hours but they are always asking me to do these urgent things right when I’m about to leave! I have been walking on my lunches and walking to pick up India from her day care. I think that would be a little over 2 miles I am walking a day. I really need to get my butt to the gym though. I am going to really push myself because I can’t afford not to loose this weight!

Other than that everything is looking good. I’ve gotten a lot more things for the wedding now I just need a few small things and I am good. I cant wait but at the same time I am super nervous cuz I just want everything to turn out alright.

Wedding tip- ELOPE! (you save money and your sanity!)

Good Friend??

Am I a good friend?

I would like to think I am but for some reason I don't think other people know. I am not all girly and giddy like alot of other girls I know and I don't like to call when I have nothing to talk about. I also don't like to think that I am the only one trying in a friendship. I don't like to be the only one calling or inviting or whatever it is.

I really don't think people understand how much they mean to me. Pretty much all my friends over the years I don't ever stop thinking about, never stop caring.

I miss so many of my friends and its sad because our friendships ended mainly because we didn't keep in contact as much as I would like.

I just want everyone to know that I still care! I love all my friends no matter how much of a friend they think they are to me.

XOXO

Precious Moments

Ok sorry for the last blog…a bit depressing, I know. However despite that whole mess the last two weeks have been great!

First off I was looking on craigslist like I do all the time and searched for boxers in the pets section. This is pretty much an everyday thing that I do just to see what is out there but Patrick made it clear that we could not get one. I don’t know if I wore him out with all the craigslist links I have been emailing him at work or seeing all the dogs there are at our apartment complex but I saw this ad for a 3 year old boxer who was up for adoption when his owner got lung cancer and was too sick to take care of him. I sent him the link and I heard nothing back the whole day. Later that night I asked him if he saw it and how cute the dog was and he asked if I emailed the person back. Well NOOOO I didn’t know I could! He told me to email them and see how much the adoption fee was and everything and I did. We could afford it so Patrick agreed to go check the dog out.


We arranged with the lady who was fostering the dog to go out on Saturday to see him and decide whether or not to adopt him. I was so excited I told everyone at work I was getting a new dog! (Even though we were just looking and nothing was final) I was too excited! Patrick worked on Saturday morning like usual and I was all ready by the time he got off but then the news came… we could not go to get the dog that day. I was sorta sad until he told me why. He got free tickets to the Washington Nationals game for that night! And it was not just any Nationals game it was the first game of the season and it was being played in a brand spankin new stadium! It was awesome! The stadium was so clean… the game sorta sucked but come on we made history! Our seats were great too just a few rows up from the field right behind first base! We were in the rich season holders section and I loved it.

The next day we drove out to BFE Virginia to check out the dog. As soon as we saw him we knew. He was so cute, calm and just loving! Patrick fell in love with him and before you knew it we were driving away with our new dog. So far he has been great. The lady was one of those crazy old ladies that take in animals and everything was dirty and smelly in her house. I was glad to take the dog out of there! We got him food and everything and gave him a bath that he wasn’t too fond of but man he was dirty! We just found out the other day that he has Kennel Cough (a common virus among dogs that are grouped together) and it sucks and I feel bad for the dog constantly coughing but it should be better soon. Now I can’t imagine our family with out him!


This last weekend was India’s 3rd Birthday (or Durrrdaaa as she likes to call it). We decided to take India to the National Zoo in DC and had tons of fun! She had a blast and got an adorable cheetah stuffed animal! She is so spoiled already so for her present we just got her a ton of clothes and so did Patrick’s family. For her actual birthday day Patrick’s parents took us all out to a Japanese Steak House were its pretty much a diner and show. It was great! We had a blast! India loved the fire!

I am so happy. My life is pretty good right now (other than my weight issue at the moment!) Patrick and I are both doing great at our jobs making more money than most at our age with out degrees and we have a great place, great child and now great dog! Our wedding is coming up soon and I can’t wait! I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life! I don’t see us going anywhere but up from here!

XOXO

PADOOO! (Thats what India calls him)

Aint he cute!?

In front of the new stadium

Patricks cheesy smile

Count it 9 rows up from the field!!!

Cheese!

A Little Explanation

Ok I know I do not have to explain myself but I guess for anyone out there who stumbles across my page and decides to pass judgment with out even telling me who they are. I feel that they do not know the whole story and really they should keep their opinions to them selves since it is not doing any good and you aren’t going to “save” me from a comment you wrote on my chatterbox.

Most people who have known my family “forever” know that all of the kids were adopted and there was always a new baby in the house. It was pretty hard growing up and actually receiving the attention you wanted when you had to pretty much compete with 7 kids. Ginger was the favorite, Lisette was the wild one who received most of the negative attention, however attention none the less, Josh was the only boy for a while and was another one of my parents favorites, Tyree who came later was then the youngest and extremely hyper so he took a lot of my parents time and energy. Oh and don’t forget all the babies, my parents were foster parents who took special needs kids so on top of the 5 kids they had they would take in more that actually needed even more attention than a regular baby! And then there was me… I am sorta the black sheep of the family, never really fit in! I would always be made fun of by my family and not only by my siblings, I was told things like pizza face, or since I was always the thinner one in the family my family would swear that I was anorexic or throwing up my food, they would make fun of the one thing I was self conscience about or just pick out any flaw that I might have had. I was always called selfish also and that one hurt the most. I am still emotionally scarred from all that. I don’t have much self confidence at all and they are still saying how ugly I am and how fat I look! And no I am not exaggerating they actually say to my face that I am ugly and yes even my mom.

I’m sure that you are thinking that all that doesn’t sound too bad, my parents are good people, caring and self giving to help all these children. However, my mom is different. She took in kids for another reason that most people don’t know about but it was obvious to those who lived there. Since all the kids were older she no longer had anyone who actually needed her, we were all pretty self sufficient and even though being stubborn teens we couldn’t out right say so but we all needed her. She decided to fill that void with these kids, she loved the attention she got from them and the attention she got from other people that praised her that she is so wonderful and giving. I even told her that instead of helping these other children she needs to help the children in her house first and I pretty much pleaded with her to not take in any more babies but she didn’t listen. I asked for my moms help and she did not give it.

As far as religion goes my parents are hypocrites. According to their religion and most others the father is the head of the house hold, but not in my family. My mom runs everything, even when my dad makes an honest effort to do something she will go behind his back and do it her way. Rated R movies are often watched in my parent’s house mainly by my mom, gluttony, gossip, and passing judgment are things that are normal for their house hold. All my life I tried to do what was right but it never seemed good enough for my mom or really anyone else. I really had good intentions and when I was 18 I slipped up a little. I do not think it was right and as soon as it happened I went to the elders in our congregation and poured my heart out, I believed that the reason that that happened to me was because I was not attending meetings and I was not doing what I was supposed to. I was so sorry and I was willing to come back and make every effort to make it right and never let that happen again! I guess it was that in my case people could actually see what I did wrong and I was disfellowshipped. According to that religion you are only disfellowshipped if you are not repentant, they say. So I was totally confused as to why I got disfellowshipped and really hurt by it, I knew that people would think that I didn’t learn my lesson and that I wasn’t sorry for what I did even though I was. It hurt.

Never the less, I was determined to be reinstated in the least amount of time, I went to all the meetings and everything while people stared as I got bigger and bigger and I heard all the whispering behind my back and I still went. It was the hardest time in my life! I had no where to turn my parents never gave birth to a child so I had no clue what was going on with me and I couldn’t talk to anyone! How fair is that? I did get reinstated in a pretty short amount of time and everything was going pretty well. I had India and got this great job. About 2 months after I had India my mom snapped and actually attacked me and started slapping me in the face and swinging her fists at me all while I had India in my arms. I was so distraught by that situation and so scared for my child that I called the police. While they were on the way I was thinking of what I did, my mom would loose everything if I pressed charges on her and I know she would not be happy and I still had to live there. So when the police got there I did not press charges. It didn’t matter though because my mom was pissed! My mom out right told me that she did not want to see my face, if she was down stairs I had to be up stairs and visa versa. I was pretty much confined to my room with a newborn baby. It was hard to live in an environment like that and I eventually got sick of it. I saw a way out and I took it. Again not the smartest decisions and I knew it. That year soon became the worst year of my life.

Later I made another attempt to do what was right and I started attending meetings again even though I never really meant to stop before. However after my second meeting I was stopped by an elder and told that if I want to continue to come that I would have to talk to them first. That scared me. I didn’t see why I could not attend for a while until I was ready to talk but I guess those were the rules. I was extremely discouraged. I was living in Whittier at the time and I felt like everywhere I went people were watching me and going back to my family and telling them things. I was an adult and could not even step out of my house with out someone noticing.

I had a good friend at that time and I would relate all my feelings to that person about all that was going on. I was told that you don’t have to be perfect for God to love you and as long as you have faith and know what is wrong and right and not necessarily what a certain religion says that how can God not love you. That really made me feel better and now that is how I live.

I am so sick of people judging me and saying that every little thing I do is wrong. I was once told that saying “Gosh” was wrong since it sounds so close to God and if I say that I am using Gods name in vane! Can you believe that? I am also so so sick of people saying that I am a bad parent because I am not bringing my daughter up in this religion. But what I want to say is what other 18 year old do you know that got pregnant and after going through all that, has her life together? I am not relying on anyone right now. I have a great place and India is one of the healthiest kids I know, super happy and extremely confident. I have never been on welfare and have always worked so I can support her. She does not go one day with out hearing that I love her! What other person in my situation can say that? All the people who I know who got pregnant when they were a teen still go out and party as if they do not have a kid, they leave their kids with their parents and go out and do what they want. They don’t have a job and rely on people’s tax money to support them. Not me!

No I am not having my child grow up in a religion that everything she does is under a microscope, that people choose their religion over the families, that even though it is supposed to be God that is judging you other people take it upon themselves to judge you. No I am not having my child grow up that way but I will not stop her if later that is something she wants.

Now you tell me that I am a bad parent!

My Daughter!

I am sure most of you know that I love my daughter India. She is the best thing in my life! Ever since I had her when I was 18 I have taken all responsibility to make sure she is safe, that she has everything she will ever need or want. It has been hard but I have sacrificed alot to do so. I haven't had too much outside help other than pretty much my friends support. I would trade nothing for her and even though I haven't had the life I have always dreamt of I am happy.

Most of you know that her "sperm donor" dad hasn't been in the picture too much. I did live with him for a while but that whole time he was controlling, abusive mentally and physically, took advantage of me and my money. I had so many things I had to pay off or debt I found my self in because of him he also managed to loose alot of my person items that held very sentimental value to me. It was the worst year of my life but I got through it. I paid everything off and my credit was never harmed. (Thank God!) After moving he didn't try to see her much at all but I was willing to work with him so he is in her life. (don't ask me why.) With all my attempts to help him out he never really tried to be apart of her life.

Eventually we moved on I found the love of my life and he came into India's life. Since then we have moved to Virginia, away from everything. We are planning on getting married and possibly Patrick to adopt India after. Patrick is India's daddy, she loves him and he lover her and our family is complete.

Three months away from our wedding and I hear that Joey wants to make a "Comeback" and he wrote a whole crappy blog to that affect:

Today is a new day, Today is my Comeback! Current mood: confident
The are only a few things you can take out of a persons life, friends come and go all the time, people mess up and lose there homes there cars and the way of life (Damn you Bush hahaha) but one thing that you will never be able to strip from a person is there heart, and there family............ As long as you have the heart to stand up and fight for what you know you deserve, you know that you love, you know that no one else should try and take part of or replace then you will have the will to continue, the will to change your life around for the better and take back what you know should have not been taken away from you to begin with. There is no one (NO ONE!!!!) that can stop you or stand in your way...... this is something that a certain someone is about to find out very soon, that no matter how much you take from that person, with the heart they have inside them, they will COMEBACK and not for revange, not to destroy your life or your hope, but just to take back which rightfully belongs to them, i have made my COMEBACK, you will see my return (no drama intended).

Daddy loves his baby!

I guess he never loved her enough before since he didn't do much before. Oh and all that crap about how he is going to take back what is rightfully his like she is some object. And that she was taken away from him. For your information when I moved I told him that he can come out to see her when ever he wants. That he would have to help out with child support about $500 a month and the month that he wants to see her then he doesn't have to pay so he can use that money towards a plane ticket or whatever. I thought that was super nice. I never took him to court for child support or anything, mainly cuz he was not on the birth certificate and I really never wanted him on it. I have just gotten used to our family with out him in it. I couldn't imagine India going with someone she doesn't even know, she doesn't remember him at all. He doesn't know anything that has gone on with her in the last year or so. Why now! I also watched Gone Baby Gone after I read and got stressed about this whole situation. Not the best movie to watch when you are scared about someone else trying to take your child.

If anyone has any suggestions, I am all up for it! Thanks for reading!

Here our some pics of the family:

On the Cleanse

I was doing so well until about 7pm I had to eat something, but it really was for the better. India ended up getting the flu and passing it on to Patrick and I. I haven't been to work for pretty much the whole week but I can't do much about it. I felt horrible! It took everything in me not to throw up (I hate throwing up with a passion)! My whole body hurt and I couldn't eat (sorta upside to being sick) and could barely move. Oh and this had to be when we don't have cable and my phone is broken so I was totally bored on top of it all!

So the cleanse would not have been so great to continue at that time. I still think it would be good to do but just not now. It is super hard tho... the hunger is so strong the first few days. I just wanted to chew anything. Oh well... I will let you all know if I ever decide to do it again.

On the plus side of being sick I have lost 4 pounds! I have been eating but not too much, mostly saltine crackers and some cereal. Hopefully when I feel better I can keep it off and even loose more. We went to the store a few days ago before I felt so bad and got a ton of healthy food, fruits, yogurt, veggies and whole grain wheat bread. I plan on exercising when I have the energy and hopefully I can loose 10 lbs by my wedding or sooner. =) That would be great!

Again, wish me luck! =)

current weight 136

Master Cleanse/ Day One!

Ok I haven't had Internet since we moved to our new apartment and the cable ppl are dumb but I really want to write about what I am doing right now:

I have started the Master Cleanse. It is a cleanse (not a diet) of a lemonade mixture that you drink for 10 days straight with no food. You drink a laxative tea before you go to bed and a saline flush in the morning and that's it! It cleans all the nasty toxins out of your body that fast food and bad habits leave behind.

I am on day 1. I have had 2 drinks so far and they are not that bad. They are made with water, lemon juice, pure maple syrup grade B, and cayenne pepper. It tastes like watered down lemonade with a bit of a kick! ;) I am doing pretty good so far. I am hungry but its really not that bad. I have been peeing alot tho! Probably to flush out toxins...

I am doing this to start clean. I have gained about 10 lbs since I have been in Virginia and its depressing. I hate it...I am the biggest I have ever been with out being pregnant. I want to shrink my stomach so I am not always hungry and eat so much. I am hoping to do this cleanse and then go on a real diet with healthy vegetables and fruits and hopefully it will be a little easier if I start this way first. I want to take before and after pictures. I am a bit scared to post them since I am so low on self esteem cuz of my weight. I have read alot about this cleanse and you loose alot of weight fast but you should expect to gain at least half of it back once you go back to eating...(big reason why this is not a diet)! I still want to keep track of how much I weigh everyday and I am going to keep a diary of everything over the next 10 or so days.

Wish me luck!

current weight: 140 =( so sad!