Being a girl

I absolutely hate it! I get al these crazy emotions and they are never consistent. One day I will be so sure of myself and the other I will have no clue. I feel as though I am stuck at a fork in the raod. I have two paths I can go down but I want to make sure I am going down the right one.

Being a girl, I have a really hard time making decisions in my life...even the small ones like where I am going to eat. So when it comes to the major life decisions I go insane. I want to do what is best and I dont want to hurt anyone in the process but it seems like no matter which decision I make I will end up hurting someone.

What do I do?

FINALLY!!!

It is official! Patrick and I are back together!!!!

Even though it took some time, he got rid of his girlfriend and told me that I am everything that he has ever wanted and he doesn't want to loose me again.

It has started pretty fast and all of the sudden I still kind of feel as though it is too good to be true but we are very open with our feelings for each other and our fears and what we need to do to get this to work out and I am confident we can do it.

This is the man I am going to marry! I know it! I have known it and I know we hit a bit of a road bump but if we get through this I know we will have a strong relationship and be more apt to deal with smaller issues as they come up down the line.

A whole year and it finally happened. I got my second chance and I couldn't be happier!

I am alone?

As a single mom I feel so alone. I know there are a lot of single mom’s out there but I don’t feel like any are in a similar situation.

It is really hard for me and I know there are a ton of single mom’s out there who make it all the time but how? What am I doing wrong? Is it just that I don’t have the same benefits as other single mom’s? Yesterday I was told by a friend that I have no excuse not to go to college. He said that both of his sister’s did it as single moms. How? He wasn’t able to answer that. I would love to go back to school. I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up and what I was going to do to get there but having a kid at 18 sure changed my plans. I work full time and I have to work full time unless I find some awesome high paying job that will pay my bills part time. (Doubtful) I can hardly make ends meat as it is. Then there is the question, who will watch India when I am at school? I don’t have family and I haven’t lived out here that long so I don’t really know a lot of people that would watch India for me unless I pay them, but then my money issue comes up again. But how can I make more money with out going to school? Especially in the area I live in, if you don’t have a bachelor’s degree they won’t even look at your resume. So no time, no money and no babysitter. Are there any solutions?

People tell me all the time that there are a bunch of special programs to help single moms but where the hell are they? The only thing I ever received was WIC. That helped out for about 10 months with the cost of formula and some cereal and peanut butter. I can’t get TANF (temporary assistance for needy families) because I make too much. I don’t make a lot at all…yes its over minimum wage but I can hardly live off of it with daycare costs and bills. Then they have those Head Start programs for kids so that they can go to daycare or kindergarten for free. The maximum income was like $13,000 a year! Yes I make over that! That is $6.25 an hour if you work full time. In Ca I applied to get assistance to help pay for childcare and I was placed on a waitlist. I was on that waitlist for 2 years until I moved out to Virginia. They say that the program takes the neediest families first. So they push you back to help out a family who makes less money and has more kids! That is bull shit! I learned from my, I don’t want to say mistake, but really it wasn’t planned so for now and for lack of a better word, I will go with mistake. I learned from it and worked hard to make some money to support her and myself but I still need that little bit of assistance to get by…but NO!

The illegal immigrants who come to America and pop out these kids just so they have citizenship get all the money, while they stay at home and their husbands are on street corners at 7-11 or Home Depot looking for jobs. So in essence, I will get more help if I just stopped trying to make money myself. What kind of crap is that??? C’mon Obama, how are you going to fix this?! I am all about helping people but not when they are not helping themselves. I don’t give bums on the corner money at all…sorry I feel no sympathy! Anyone can get a job! Fast food restaurants are always hiring and I know I kind of dissed it earlier, but even standing outside 7-11 or Home Depot…it’s something! It is the people that struggle and are actually making an honest effort to better themselves and their lives that need the most help and will prove the most productive to society. Most of the time these people just need a little assistance to get them to where they want to be and they can take over after that. “Bums” on the other hand get money, waste it and are back in the same situation as before. We are wasting hard working people’s tax money on “bums” when we could be helping out people who need it and would appreciate it and eventually give back to the community. It really sickens me!

I really want to start my own non profit organization for this very reason to help out people in my similar situations. To help people that are not trying to cheat the system but are truly hardworking but need just a little assistance to get them by. If anyone has any information on how I would go about that, it would be helpful. I always thought about doing that if I ever happened to win the lottery (I dream big!)

Anyway…if any single moms read my blog and have any information or input or suggestions on how they have gotten by, I would love to hear them. Until next time… TAKE CARE!

Current Obsessions!

Ok I kinda stole this but what eva!

My current obsessions:

Money: Always…I am always looking for ways to make more money. This economy sucks right now and as a single mother, even tho I have a decent job now, it is hard to make ends meat.

Reality TV (preferably VH1): Yes I know but I love it. It is junk food for the brain! Rock of Love Bus, Rock of Daisy and Tough Love, which I had mentioned in a previous blog. It sort of makes me realize that my life is really not that bad.

Cleaning: Even though I have awesome roommate, they don’t seem to live up to my standards of cleanliness. We have such a nice house with nice things and I want to keep it nice and have actually become some what compulsive about it. I just really hate clutter…it makes me feel overwhelmed.

Astrology: I am sort of obsessed with reading my horoscope every month. I use www.astrologyzone.com. Its this lady Susan Miller who writes all the monthly forecasts. I heard her once on Star 98.7 in ca and she was amazing I had to look her up and now for over 2 years I have been reading my monthly horoscope religiously. It is crazy how some things apply to my life. And for all you critics out there…yes it is pretty vague, however, to accurately tell someone their horoscope you need to know the exact time and date they were born so obviously not everyone who is a Taurus is going to have the exact same horoscope but I can find things that apply to my life. Oh and no I don’t live by it it’s just something that either gives me hope or prepares me for what might come. I would highly recommend everyone to check it out.

So those are currently the things I am obsessing over. Maybe my next blog will be all the things that are pissing me off…but I think that it might be too long of a list. Anywho… hope you are enjoying me posting more often. LATER!

Giving in and Birthdays

Ok my not talking to Patrick didn’t last long at all. I went from Friday until Wednesday… ok that was a long time for me. He said he missed me and that he was sad that he hadn’t heard from me and figured that I didn’t want to talk. He said he was going to see how long it would be until I talked to him…but that is what I was doing! =0/ Oh well.

I finally got through to him more though. I told him I was feeling really lonely lately and that I wanted him to make a decision whether or not he wanted to see me more and sort of date to see if we are still compatible. He said that he wants to do that! =0) Yay for me! It has only been two days and he has been reaching out to me more to talk to me. Most of the time we just email each other all day at work but I really would like him to call me when he can or even text me and tell me more about what is going on in his life and all. Well he has done that. We talked on the phone and he was even texting me during his class last night.

I think I am on the right track with him right now. The only thing I am worried about is being able to spend time with him. Now that I have India back it is really tough to get any time for myself and Patrick doesn’t think it would be a good idea for India to see him again just yet. She has been through a lot and seeing someone that she had called Dad for so long again after someone else has been introduced into her life as her dad (against my wishes) will just confuse her. Plus it makes him really sad to see her and I understand that.

Ok other than that, I have been super busy. Working and taking care of India when I get home is not taking up all of my time. It has been sort of overwhelming for me since I can’t really have any time for myself. It has been a little harder than I thought to adjust back. It is my birthday as well as Mother’s Day on the 10th! Sadly, my birthday has never really been a big deal. Growing up not celebrating it really sucked and now that I can it has just been sort of lame. I don’t have any plans but I really want a tattoo. =0/

Oh and for the person that reads my blog that is a JW, I have a question? What is so wrong with celebrating birthdays? Celebrating an anniversary is fine according to the religion so in that case it is ok to celebrate another year that two people are married but not ok to celebrate another year that you are alive? That doesn’t make sense to me. I never understood that. From my understanding, in the Bible they mentioned two birthdays, however, someone got their head cut off at each one so now JWs think it’s a bad thing. I don’t necessary think that the birthday had anything to do with it. I would really like some clarification on this if possible.

Anywho I need to get some work done! Later!

Tough Love

I have decided that I am going to give Patrick a break. I am going to stop talking to him everyday and see if he even cares. I love him so much but the way I have felt for the last year sux! I feel rejected and not wanted and I am really getting sick of it! He keeps leading me on and I am letting him. I have given him the option to walk away and say goodbye but he doesn’t take it and he still tells me he loves me but doesn’t know if he wants to get back together just yet. I think I have waited long enough.

I really want to start dating again. I have been single for almost a year now and I am really getting that itch. I want to feel loved and I want to share things with someone again. I really want to feel those butterflies again! I just really have no clue how to go about it. Where do I look? I am a little apprehensive because I know most guys my age are not keen on the idea of dating someone with a kid so it’s a little harder for me. Plus where do I find the time and who is going to watch India? I can’t take her on my dates and I really would rather them not meet her until I am a little more serious about them also.

I have been watching that show, Tough Love on VH1 and man I really need something like that! And the guys they are being hooked up with are H.O.T! Not sure if any of you follow the show but Brock is just what I am looking for. LOL! I am still convinced that I found the man of my dreams and I let him go but I am waiting for someone to prove me wrong.

I will keep everyone updated on my endeavors. And if anyone has any dating tips I would love to hear them!

Refreshed

He hehe… I am updating! YAY.

So I actually have some good news to report too. SO much has happened in the last few months and it looks like things are getting better for me. So in a nutshell… I moved. I love my roommates they are awesome down to earth people and even tho they are a little messier than I would prefer they are super nice and easy to get along with. My roommate Crystall has a daughter that is 2 months younger than India so its perfect.

I got a new job. Its temp to perm but it’s a job regardless. I make more money and once I get hired on permanent I will be making even more money!

I don’t think I wrote before that while India was in CA her “sperm donor” decided to file for custody so there was this automatic restraining order keeping both parents from taking her out of the state so I could not take her home! =0( I was so stressed! He wanted full custody and just to give me visitation! Well I went to court in CA the other week and it ended up getting dismissed since CA does not have jurisdiction and I was able to take her home with me! I am so happy to see her again and she is not leaving my side!

I have cut off my family completely! They are psycho and I am convinced my mother is a sociopath. I do not think it is healthy to have them apart of India’s or my life any longer. Anyone want to adopt me? =0P

I got my tax return back and was able to pay a lot of the bills I had been putting off. I am still struggling a little now that India is back but I am sure I will catch up soon.

And now as for Patrick… this is the one that I really wish I could report some great news on but it’s pretty much the same. We still see each other every once in a while. We did start seeing each other almost every Sunday and I would stay over at his place and I loved it. I loved waking up to his face in the morning and obviously enjoyed the night before! ;0) Sorry but I do have my needs! We went to the movies recently and saw Watchmen and we had so much fun! Sadly he is still seeing someone. I kind of feel bad but I love even the little time me and him spend together and I cant give it up. I don’t know who she is, I don’t even know her name and I don’t want to! I will probably hate that name or it will make me sad every time I hear it. I really want to move things along more with him and I am getting tired of waiting but I can’t bring myself to do anything because I am so scared of completely loosing him. But we still email back and forth everyday and I think if I continue on this track I might have a good chance.

We will see.