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Being a girl

2009-07-09T09:38:00.003-04:00

I absolutely hate it! I get al these crazy emotions and they are never consistent. One day I will be so sure of myself and the other I will have no clue. I feel as though I am stuck at a fork in the raod. I have two paths I can go down but I want to make sure I am going down the right one.

Being a girl, I have a really hard time making decisions in my life...even the small ones like where I am going to eat. So when it comes to the major life decisions I go insane. I want to do what is best and I dont want to hurt anyone in the process but it seems like no matter which decision I make I will end up hurting someone.

What do I do?

FINALLY!!!

2009-06-15T09:24:00.002-04:00

It is official! Patrick and I are back together!!!!

Even though it took some time, he got rid of his girlfriend and told me that I am everything that he has ever wanted and he doesn't want to loose me again.

It has started pretty fast and all of the sudden I still kind of feel as though it is too good to be true but we are very open with our feelings for each other and our fears and what we need to do to get this to work out and I am confident we can do it.

This is the man I am going to marry! I know it! I have known it and I know we hit a bit of a road bump but if we get through this I know we will have a strong relationship and be more apt to deal with smaller issues as they come up down the line.

A whole year and it finally happened. I got my second chance and I couldn't be happier!

I am alone?

2009-05-29T11:41:00.001-04:00

As a single mom I feel so alone. I know there are a lot of single mom’s out there but I don’t feel like any are in a similar situation.

It is really hard for me and I know there are a ton of single mom’s out there who make it all the time but how? What am I doing wrong? Is it just that I don’t have the same benefits as other single mom’s? Yesterday I was told by a friend that I have no excuse not to go to college. He said that both of his sister’s did it as single moms. How? He wasn’t able to answer that. I would love to go back to school. I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up and what I was going to do to get there but having a kid at 18 sure changed my plans. I work full time and I have to work full time unless I find some awesome high paying job that will pay my bills part time. (Doubtful) I can hardly make ends meat as it is. Then there is the question, who will watch India when I am at school? I don’t have family and I haven’t lived out here that long so I don’t really know a lot of people that would watch India for me unless I pay them, but then my money issue comes up again. But how can I make more money with out going to school? Especially in the area I live in, if you don’t have a bachelor’s degree they won’t even look at your resume. So no time, no money and no babysitter. Are there any solutions?

People tell me all the time that there are a bunch of special programs to help single moms but where the hell are they? The only thing I ever received was WIC. That helped out for about 10 months with the cost of formula and some cereal and peanut butter. I can’t get TANF (temporary assistance for needy families) because I make too much. I don’t make a lot at all…yes its over minimum wage but I can hardly live off of it with daycare costs and bills. Then they have those Head Start programs for kids so that they can go to daycare or kindergarten for free. The maximum income was like $13,000 a year! Yes I make over that! That is $6.25 an hour if you work full time. In Ca I applied to get assistance to help pay for childcare and I was placed on a waitlist. I was on that waitlist for 2 years until I moved out to Virginia. They say that the program takes the neediest families first. So they push you back to help out a family who makes less money and has more kids! That is bull shit! I learned from my, I don’t want to say mistake, but really it wasn’t planned so for now and for lack of a better word, I will go with mistake. I learned from it and worked hard to make some money to support her and myself but I still need that little bit of assistance to get by…but NO!

The illegal immigrants who come to America and pop out these kids just so they have citizenship get all the money, while they stay at home and their husbands are on street corners at 7-11 or Home Depot looking for jobs. So in essence, I will get more help if I just stopped trying to make money myself. What kind of crap is that??? C’mon Obama, how are you going to fix this?! I am all about helping people but not when they are not helping themselves. I don’t give bums on the corner money at all…sorry I feel no sympathy! Anyone can get a job! Fast food restaurants are always hiring and I know I kind of dissed it earlier, but even standing outside 7-11 or Home Depot…it’s something! It is the people that struggle and are actually making an honest effort to better themselves and their lives that need the most help and will prove the most productive to society. Most of the time these people just need a little assistance to get them to where they want to be and they can take over after that. “Bums” on the other hand get money, waste it and are back in the same situation as before. We are wasting hard working people’s tax money on “bums” when we could be helping out people who need it and would appreciate it and eventually give back to the community. It really sickens me!

I really want to start my own non profit organization for this very reason to help out people in my similar situations. To help people that are not trying to cheat the system but are truly hardworking but need just a little assistance to get them by. If anyone has any information on how I would go about that, it would be helpful. I always thought about doing that if I ever happened to win the lottery (I dream big!)

Anyway…if any single moms read my blog and have any information or input or suggestions on how they have gotten by, I would love to hear them. Until next time… TAKE CARE!

Current Obsessions!

2009-05-08T10:52:00.000-04:00

Ok I kinda stole this but what eva!

My current obsessions:

Money: Always…I am always looking for ways to make more money. This economy sucks right now and as a single mother, even tho I have a decent job now, it is hard to make ends meat.

Reality TV (preferably VH1): Yes I know but I love it. It is junk food for the brain! Rock of Love Bus, Rock of Daisy and Tough Love, which I had mentioned in a previous blog. It sort of makes me realize that my life is really not that bad.

Cleaning: Even though I have awesome roommate, they don’t seem to live up to my standards of cleanliness. We have such a nice house with nice things and I want to keep it nice and have actually become some what compulsive about it. I just really hate clutter…it makes me feel overwhelmed.

Astrology: I am sort of obsessed with reading my horoscope every month. I use www.astrologyzone.com. Its this lady Susan Miller who writes all the monthly forecasts. I heard her once on Star 98.7 in ca and she was amazing I had to look her up and now for over 2 years I have been reading my monthly horoscope religiously. It is crazy how some things apply to my life. And for all you critics out there…yes it is pretty vague, however, to accurately tell someone their horoscope you need to know the exact time and date they were born so obviously not everyone who is a Taurus is going to have the exact same horoscope but I can find things that apply to my life. Oh and no I don’t live by it it’s just something that either gives me hope or prepares me for what might come. I would highly recommend everyone to check it out.

So those are currently the things I am obsessing over. Maybe my next blog will be all the things that are pissing me off…but I think that it might be too long of a list. Anywho… hope you are enjoying me posting more often. LATER!

Giving in and Birthdays

2009-05-01T09:30:00.000-04:00

Ok my not talking to Patrick didn’t last long at all. I went from Friday until Wednesday… ok that was a long time for me. He said he missed me and that he was sad that he hadn’t heard from me and figured that I didn’t want to talk. He said he was going to see how long it would be until I talked to him…but that is what I was doing! =0/ Oh well.

I finally got through to him more though. I told him I was feeling really lonely lately and that I wanted him to make a decision whether or not he wanted to see me more and sort of date to see if we are still compatible. He said that he wants to do that! =0) Yay for me! It has only been two days and he has been reaching out to me more to talk to me. Most of the time we just email each other all day at work but I really would like him to call me when he can or even text me and tell me more about what is going on in his life and all. Well he has done that. We talked on the phone and he was even texting me during his class last night.

I think I am on the right track with him right now. The only thing I am worried about is being able to spend time with him. Now that I have India back it is really tough to get any time for myself and Patrick doesn’t think it would be a good idea for India to see him again just yet. She has been through a lot and seeing someone that she had called Dad for so long again after someone else has been introduced into her life as her dad (against my wishes) will just confuse her. Plus it makes him really sad to see her and I understand that.

Ok other than that, I have been super busy. Working and taking care of India when I get home is not taking up all of my time. It has been sort of overwhelming for me since I can’t really have any time for myself. It has been a little harder than I thought to adjust back. It is my birthday as well as Mother’s Day on the 10th! Sadly, my birthday has never really been a big deal. Growing up not celebrating it really sucked and now that I can it has just been sort of lame. I don’t have any plans but I really want a tattoo. =0/

Oh and for the person that reads my blog that is a JW, I have a question? What is so wrong with celebrating birthdays? Celebrating an anniversary is fine according to the religion so in that case it is ok to celebrate another year that two people are married but not ok to celebrate another year that you are alive? That doesn’t make sense to me. I never understood that. From my understanding, in the Bible they mentioned two birthdays, however, someone got their head cut off at each one so now JWs think it’s a bad thing. I don’t necessary think that the birthday had anything to do with it. I would really like some clarification on this if possible.

Anywho I need to get some work done! Later!

Tough Love

2009-04-28T10:28:00.001-04:00

I have decided that I am going to give Patrick a break. I am going to stop talking to him everyday and see if he even cares. I love him so much but the way I have felt for the last year sux! I feel rejected and not wanted and I am really getting sick of it! He keeps leading me on and I am letting him. I have given him the option to walk away and say goodbye but he doesn’t take it and he still tells me he loves me but doesn’t know if he wants to get back together just yet. I think I have waited long enough.

I really want to start dating again. I have been single for almost a year now and I am really getting that itch. I want to feel loved and I want to share things with someone again. I really want to feel those butterflies again! I just really have no clue how to go about it. Where do I look? I am a little apprehensive because I know most guys my age are not keen on the idea of dating someone with a kid so it’s a little harder for me. Plus where do I find the time and who is going to watch India? I can’t take her on my dates and I really would rather them not meet her until I am a little more serious about them also.

I have been watching that show, Tough Love on VH1 and man I really need something like that! And the guys they are being hooked up with are H.O.T! Not sure if any of you follow the show but Brock is just what I am looking for. LOL! I am still convinced that I found the man of my dreams and I let him go but I am waiting for someone to prove me wrong.

I will keep everyone updated on my endeavors. And if anyone has any dating tips I would love to hear them!

Refreshed

2009-04-23T14:54:00.002-04:00

He hehe… I am updating! YAY.

So I actually have some good news to report too. SO much has happened in the last few months and it looks like things are getting better for me. So in a nutshell… I moved. I love my roommates they are awesome down to earth people and even tho they are a little messier than I would prefer they are super nice and easy to get along with. My roommate Crystall has a daughter that is 2 months younger than India so its perfect.

I got a new job. Its temp to perm but it’s a job regardless. I make more money and once I get hired on permanent I will be making even more money!

I don’t think I wrote before that while India was in CA her “sperm donor” decided to file for custody so there was this automatic restraining order keeping both parents from taking her out of the state so I could not take her home! =0( I was so stressed! He wanted full custody and just to give me visitation! Well I went to court in CA the other week and it ended up getting dismissed since CA does not have jurisdiction and I was able to take her home with me! I am so happy to see her again and she is not leaving my side!

I have cut off my family completely! They are psycho and I am convinced my mother is a sociopath. I do not think it is healthy to have them apart of India’s or my life any longer. Anyone want to adopt me? =0P

I got my tax return back and was able to pay a lot of the bills I had been putting off. I am still struggling a little now that India is back but I am sure I will catch up soon.

And now as for Patrick… this is the one that I really wish I could report some great news on but it’s pretty much the same. We still see each other every once in a while. We did start seeing each other almost every Sunday and I would stay over at his place and I loved it. I loved waking up to his face in the morning and obviously enjoyed the night before! ;0) Sorry but I do have my needs! We went to the movies recently and saw Watchmen and we had so much fun! Sadly he is still seeing someone. I kind of feel bad but I love even the little time me and him spend together and I cant give it up. I don’t know who she is, I don’t even know her name and I don’t want to! I will probably hate that name or it will make me sad every time I hear it. I really want to move things along more with him and I am getting tired of waiting but I can’t bring myself to do anything because I am so scared of completely loosing him. But we still email back and forth everyday and I think if I continue on this track I might have a good chance.

We will see.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

2009-02-10T17:05:00.004-05:00

I promised I would update more often but nothing has really changed. My life sucks! I have the worst luck, it just seems like everything is happening all at once and it is never ending!

I had a job interview and it was only 10 miles away on the freeway so I left really early so I could be there early since no one hires someone who is late to the interview! Well, I get two miles away from my exit and DEAD STOP! I waited and waited and it was not letting up, I was only barely inching forward. I finally had to call and let them know I was going to be late. I didn't even want to show up after that but I did. I was 20 minutes late! Oh and get this...it took me 30 minutes to go two miles and when I was finally in the clear, I saw a truck picking up the orange cones so now when I tell them that there was road work, when they go back that way it wont be there! How frustrating! I was crying and beating my passenger seat. Oh and it took me over an hour to get there and only 15 minutes to get back home!!! No I did not get the job, they claim it was because they found someone better qualified but I know it was because I was late. So there is a little taste of how my life has been going for the past 6 months.

As for Patrick, I feel like I make progress every time I see him but nothing ever changes. He tells me he loves me and he even said he loved me more! (we used to tell each other that we loved each other all the time and then we would go back and forth about who loved who more but since we broke up when I tell him I love him more he doesn't really say anything back, but this time he did!) I also asked him to be my valentine. He agreed. =0) I am not sure what he is going to do if anything really. What does being some one's valentine really entail anyway?

I have been trying to get my self to move on and actually went on a date but no one compares to Patrick. I don't want to move on, I don't want anyone else, I want Patrick. I know it is sad but I really cant help it. I wish I could just get over it since I am going through hell with all these feelings but I cant help the way I feel. When I am with him we joke and act like we have never been apart and the other day when I saw him and we were talking, I could tell he loved me by just the way he would look at me. That is so hard for me. I cant give up on that! I am determined to get him back!

It has really been hard tho. All my friends back in California think I am crazy and want me to move back home. I really miss California but I cant leave yet. I am not ready. I need to do this in my own time. I don't think people really understand that. I don't care what anyone else really thinks about the situation because they are not there, they do not see what happens when we are together, they do not feel the way I do. I feel really bad but I am not giving up that easily.

OK I know I must be ranting however, I have so much on my mind and its good to get it out. Patrick told me that if we got back together he would be scared that I would cheat on him or break his heart again. How do I show him that I wont? I know for a fact that I would never do that. I know how it feels to be with out him and I would never want to feel this way ever again if I had the choice. I have realized so much in the past few months about myself and about my relationship and love for Patrick. I know that I don't want anyone else but him and its not going to change! He means the world to me. He just has to trust me, but how does he get to that point?

I think I have written enough for the day. I am sorry that I am pretty much repetitive in my posts but this is what is going on in my life. I feel like it should be made into a movie! I didn't know that people really felt like this in real life. I thought that this kind of love was only made up for people's viewing entertainment. Now I know that it is real!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2009-01-08T13:24:00.002-05:00

I know that I haven't posted on here in a while but my life has been a roller coaster for the last few months. My life went spiraling down and I have been trying to get back on my feet ever since. Some things are getting better slowly and others I am still working on.

As for Patrick, I don't even know anymore. The situation is complicated and now I am just waiting on him. We still hang out and when we do its like we have never been apart and I'm sure if a stranger saw us they would think we were together. I guess he is still apprehensive to the idea of us getting back together and in some ways I understand but I have tried to reassure him that it will not be the same as before. Before was not bad but I think he is scared that it will be like we are married again when he really needs to concentrate on himself right now with work and school. He tells me that he doesn't want to have to support me and he wants me to be able to do it on my own. I don't want to have to be supported and I tell him that all the time but currently my job situation is not the best and I really need to be making more money but I am working on it. He tells me he still loves me and I know he does, I can see it in his eyes. But I am not ready to let go, I am still trying no matter what...I am not going to let the best thing in my life go!

India is in California with my family at the moment. My mom offered to watch her for a while so I can get back on my feet. However, that was not the best idea. My family has been going behind my back doing things that they know that I would not approve of concerning my daughter and they do it anyway with out my knowledge. It is extremely frustrating and I know they are only doing it to get under my skin. I cannot wait to get her back I miss her so much, it has proven to be alot harder than I imagined. As for my family, once I get her back it will be a LONG while until they see or hear from me or my daughter again.

So 2008 proved to be a really hard year full of unexpected surprises and hardships. I am going to make 2009 better if it kills me! Most people resolve to loose weight but this year I am going to be more organized, more responsible and make sure I am headed in the right direction for my future. I am really trying but it's frustrating that these things take time. For now I am staying in VA, still looking for a new job that pays better, and of course fighting to get Patrick back.

WISH ME LUCK!

and if anyone has any ideas or suggestions for sweet things I can do to show Patrick I am the one, I am all ears!

Also, thank you all for your support in reading my blog. I will try to update more often. Hope everyone had a happy new year!

Things are looking up!

2008-09-12T16:35:00.002-04:00

People kept telling me that things were going to get worse before they would get better and ya everything was really bad. Now finally things are better...everything! First off, Patrick and I are back together! We both realize that we really love each other and we don't want to be apart anymore. Alot of things happened but if we get through it all we are going to be stronger for it. I am so happy to have him back! I also was offered an awesome job and can't wait to start!

Now I am just working on getting everything back on trac but it looks good. Thanks to everyone's support through all of this.

I will keep everyone updated on what happens from here on out! Thanks again for reading! =0)

Rock Bottom

2008-08-29T15:43:00.003-04:00

... I really don't know where to start. My life is a total mess and I can't help but to think that it is all my fault.

I was fired from my job almost 2 weeks ago and I feel as though I have applied to a million places and no one is getting back to me. After I pay rent I have nothing! I don't know what to do and its a fight to keep going everyday because I get so discouraged!

My living situation sux...that's a whole other story.

And I still don't know where things are going with Patrick. I love him so much, I have never felt this way about anyone in my whole life! I hurt so bad not knowing if we are ever going to be together again. I really can't picture my life without him. I don't know what I was thinking ever messing that up and I truly hate myself for that. He is seeing someone now and I can't blame him but he says he is torn. I can see that he is scared but I can't take this waiting around. It hurts way to bad but then again I don't want to push him to a decision and him make the one I don't want. I just don't know anymore! I am really truly disgusted at myself for letting this happen! He says he still loves me but I don't know if he ever really wants to be with me again. And again it hurts so bad! I would give anything just to be married to him right now! I want our family back! I cry almost everyday and I can't keep being like this. I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't know what more I can say, what more I can do to show him that I am truly sorry and I realize what went wrong and I want to change it.

I have truly hit rock bottom!

I F***ed Up!

2008-08-04T12:05:00.002-04:00

Wow what the hell was I thinking!?!?!? I had the most wonderful man, who took care of me and was the father of my child for the last 2 years and I gave that up all because I thought I was missing out on something!?!?!

I realize I had everything when I was with Patrick and if you read my previous blogs it even says I was the happiest I had ever been in my life and I truely still believe that. I really messed things up! I really hate myself at this point. I hurt the one person who I loved so much and who loved me back! I really think it was just cold feet and it was handled all wrong!

Someone please tell me what to do. I am trying to show him I still care and I still love him! I am planning on little surprises everyweek to show him how sorry I am and how much I still really care. I already made him a cd of all the songs that we had or that remind him of me or me of him and wrote a note on his car saying, " I heart U!" (thats what I did when we first started dating) he really liked it but alot is going on in my life and I think its hurting my chances of a second chance. I also plan on a goody basket of things he would really like... please let me know if you have any ideas...Im willing to do anything!!!! I dont want to loose what we had! I love him more than anything!!! (India is a different kind of love)! I want him back!

Shedding a New Light

2008-06-11T11:52:00.001-04:00

It’s funny how things can change so suddenly. One day you think you have your whole life figured out and then the next you have no clue. One day I was all ready and willing to get married and thought I had found the man of my dreams and I am still not sure if it was cold feet or something else but it all ended.

For the most part I am glad I have this opportunity to reflect, to really look at my life and ask my self, “What do I want?” I think I have had this perception of how I want to be my whole life; however, I still have not achieved it. I feel like I don’t even look the way I want because I care too much about what everyone else thinks and I have chosen the “safe” way. I have really put what I want on hold for everyone else and I think I was kind of getting sick of it. Obviously I still have to put India before myself and I have done that and will continue to do that.

So right now I am going to try to be more independent. I have been pretty sheltered my whole life and soon after I turned 18 I was pregnant so I have never really had time on my own to experience new things and be independent. I need to do that for myself now. It’s going to be hard but I think I can manage.

I know everyone has heard this before but I guess I just realized how true it is… you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. I don’t think I have ever really been even ok with myself and it’s hard. I am working on it and will continue to work on it for myself and no one else. I am not trying to empress anyone but just be happy with myself. I cannot stress enough how important that is before you get into a relationship. I also think it is good to have some independence before you jump into a marriage. You need to know for yourself that you can survive on your own and not rely on anyone else to help you. That way the relationship will have a healthy balance.

I am gaining a whole new outlook on life and I’m excited to see where it will take me.

Bulging Bride?

2008-05-12T16:24:00.001-04:00

I haven’t written one of these in a while and it looks as thought some people are noticing. I have been stressed lately with my crazy job and my wedding planning that I have had too many thoughts in my head to actually type something decent out.

So its about 6 weeks until my wedding and I have a huge problem. (That huge part being ME) So the other weekend I went with Patrick’s mom and sister to David’s Bridal to get his sister’s brides maids dress and I got myself one of those bra things that you wear that go all the way down your tummy. I was excited to try my dress on with it since the last time it was a bit snug around my chest area and I was sure that this would help! Well I had to have help putting that dumb bra thing on…its so fitted so its so hard to get on and impossible for anyone to do it by them selves. Then the dress… I got lost in all the layers and needed help with that too so Colleen (Patrick’s sister) was helping me out. She then processed to sip it up…I was sucking in all that I could and she said it wasn’t budging. She got it half way up and it would not go anymore. I told her to call her mom in and for sure she could do it…but no! It was not moving. I wanted to cry right there!!! What the heck I just got the dress like 3 months ago and I already can’t fit into it! So now I am on a diet and trying to exercise like crazy to loose all this weight before the big day so I cam actually fit into my dress and not look like a fat cow! I never thought I would be one of those people who couldn’t fit into their wedding dress.

I really think all this weight gain is due to stress. Since I have had my new job I have gained 10 pounds! CRAZY! I hate it and I am trying to de-stress my life but its not working…well as far as job stress goes. I work a crazy amount of hours each week and I made it a point to not work past my 8 hours but they are always asking me to do these urgent things right when I’m about to leave! I have been walking on my lunches and walking to pick up India from her day care. I think that would be a little over 2 miles I am walking a day. I really need to get my butt to the gym though. I am going to really push myself because I can’t afford not to loose this weight!

Other than that everything is looking good. I’ve gotten a lot more things for the wedding now I just need a few small things and I am good. I cant wait but at the same time I am super nervous cuz I just want everything to turn out alright.

Wedding tip- ELOPE! (you save money and your sanity!)

Good Friend??

2008-04-17T19:41:00.002-04:00

Am I a good friend?

I would like to think I am but for some reason I don't think other people know. I am not all girly and giddy like alot of other girls I know and I don't like to call when I have nothing to talk about. I also don't like to think that I am the only one trying in a friendship. I don't like to be the only one calling or inviting or whatever it is.

I really don't think people understand how much they mean to me. Pretty much all my friends over the years I don't ever stop thinking about, never stop caring.

I miss so many of my friends and its sad because our friendships ended mainly because we didn't keep in contact as much as I would like.

I just want everyone to know that I still care! I love all my friends no matter how much of a friend they think they are to me.

XOXO

Precious Moments

2008-04-08T21:12:00.003-04:00

Ok sorry for the last blog…a bit depressing, I know. However despite that whole mess the last two weeks have been great!

First off I was looking on craigslist like I do all the time and searched for boxers in the pets section. This is pretty much an everyday thing that I do just to see what is out there but Patrick made it clear that we could not get one. I don’t know if I wore him out with all the craigslist links I have been emailing him at work or seeing all the dogs there are at our apartment complex but I saw this ad for a 3 year old boxer who was up for adoption when his owner got lung cancer and was too sick to take care of him. I sent him the link and I heard nothing back the whole day. Later that night I asked him if he saw it and how cute the dog was and he asked if I emailed the person back. Well NOOOO I didn’t know I could! He told me to email them and see how much the adoption fee was and everything and I did. We could afford it so Patrick agreed to go check the dog out.

We arranged with the lady who was fostering the dog to go out on Saturday to see him and decide whether or not to adopt him. I was so excited I told everyone at work I was getting a new dog! (Even though we were just looking and nothing was final) I was too excited! Patrick worked on Saturday morning like usual and I was all ready by the time he got off but then the news came… we could not go to get the dog that day. I was sorta sad until he told me why. He got free tickets to the Washington Nationals game for that night! And it was not just any Nationals game it was the first game of the season and it was being played in a brand spankin new stadium! It was awesome! The stadium was so clean… the game sorta sucked but come on we made history! Our seats were great too just a few rows up from the field right behind first base! We were in the rich season holders section and I loved it.

The next day we drove out to BFE Virginia to check out the dog. As soon as we saw him we knew. He was so cute, calm and just loving! Patrick fell in love with him and before you knew it we were driving away with our new dog. So far he has been great. The lady was one of those crazy old ladies that take in animals and everything was dirty and smelly in her house. I was glad to take the dog out of there! We got him food and everything and gave him a bath that he wasn’t too fond of but man he was dirty! We just found out the other day that he has Kennel Cough (a common virus among dogs that are grouped together) and it sucks and I feel bad for the dog constantly coughing but it should be better soon. Now I can’t imagine our family with out him!

This last weekend was India’s 3rd Birthday (or Durrrdaaa as she likes to call it). We decided to take India to the National Zoo in DC and had tons of fun! She had a blast and got an adorable cheetah stuffed animal! She is so spoiled already so for her present we just got her a ton of clothes and so did Patrick’s family. For her actual birthday day Patrick’s parents took us all out to a Japanese Steak House were its pretty much a diner and show. It was great! We had a blast! India loved the fire!

I am so happy. My life is pretty good right now (other than my weight issue at the moment!) Patrick and I are both doing great at our jobs making more money than most at our age with out degrees and we have a great place, great child and now great dog! Our wedding is coming up soon and I can’t wait! I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life! I don’t see us going anywhere but up from here!

XOXO

PADOOO! (Thats what India calls him)

Aint he cute!?

In front of the new stadium

Patricks cheesy smile

Count it 9 rows up from the field!!!

Cheese!

A Little Explanation

2008-03-25T09:24:00.000-04:00

Ok I know I do not have to explain myself but I guess for anyone out there who stumbles across my page and decides to pass judgment with out even telling me who they are. I feel that they do not know the whole story and really they should keep their opinions to them selves since it is not doing any good and you aren’t going to “save” me from a comment you wrote on my chatterbox.

Most people who have known my family “forever” know that all of the kids were adopted and there was always a new baby in the house. It was pretty hard growing up and actually receiving the attention you wanted when you had to pretty much compete with 7 kids. Ginger was the favorite, Lisette was the wild one who received most of the negative attention, however attention none the less, Josh was the only boy for a while and was another one of my parents favorites, Tyree who came later was then the youngest and extremely hyper so he took a lot of my parents time and energy. Oh and don’t forget all the babies, my parents were foster parents who took special needs kids so on top of the 5 kids they had they would take in more that actually needed even more attention than a regular baby! And then there was me… I am sorta the black sheep of the family, never really fit in! I would always be made fun of by my family and not only by my siblings, I was told things like pizza face, or since I was always the thinner one in the family my family would swear that I was anorexic or throwing up my food, they would make fun of the one thing I was self conscience about or just pick out any flaw that I might have had. I was always called selfish also and that one hurt the most. I am still emotionally scarred from all that. I don’t have much self confidence at all and they are still saying how ugly I am and how fat I look! And no I am not exaggerating they actually say to my face that I am ugly and yes even my mom.

I’m sure that you are thinking that all that doesn’t sound too bad, my parents are good people, caring and self giving to help all these children. However, my mom is different. She took in kids for another reason that most people don’t know about but it was obvious to those who lived there. Since all the kids were older she no longer had anyone who actually needed her, we were all pretty self sufficient and even though being stubborn teens we couldn’t out right say so but we all needed her. She decided to fill that void with these kids, she loved the attention she got from them and the attention she got from other people that praised her that she is so wonderful and giving. I even told her that instead of helping these other children she needs to help the children in her house first and I pretty much pleaded with her to not take in any more babies but she didn’t listen. I asked for my moms help and she did not give it.

As far as religion goes my parents are hypocrites. According to their religion and most others the father is the head of the house hold, but not in my family. My mom runs everything, even when my dad makes an honest effort to do something she will go behind his back and do it her way. Rated R movies are often watched in my parent’s house mainly by my mom, gluttony, gossip, and passing judgment are things that are normal for their house hold. All my life I tried to do what was right but it never seemed good enough for my mom or really anyone else. I really had good intentions and when I was 18 I slipped up a little. I do not think it was right and as soon as it happened I went to the elders in our congregation and poured my heart out, I believed that the reason that that happened to me was because I was not attending meetings and I was not doing what I was supposed to. I was so sorry and I was willing to come back and make every effort to make it right and never let that happen again! I guess it was that in my case people could actually see what I did wrong and I was disfellowshipped. According to that religion you are only disfellowshipped if you are not repentant, they say. So I was totally confused as to why I got disfellowshipped and really hurt by it, I knew that people would think that I didn’t learn my lesson and that I wasn’t sorry for what I did even though I was. It hurt.

Never the less, I was determined to be reinstated in the least amount of time, I went to all the meetings and everything while people stared as I got bigger and bigger and I heard all the whispering behind my back and I still went. It was the hardest time in my life! I had no where to turn my parents never gave birth to a child so I had no clue what was going on with me and I couldn’t talk to anyone! How fair is that? I did get reinstated in a pretty short amount of time and everything was going pretty well. I had India and got this great job. About 2 months after I had India my mom snapped and actually attacked me and started slapping me in the face and swinging her fists at me all while I had India in my arms. I was so distraught by that situation and so scared for my child that I called the police. While they were on the way I was thinking of what I did, my mom would loose everything if I pressed charges on her and I know she would not be happy and I still had to live there. So when the police got there I did not press charges. It didn’t matter though because my mom was pissed! My mom out right told me that she did not want to see my face, if she was down stairs I had to be up stairs and visa versa. I was pretty much confined to my room with a newborn baby. It was hard to live in an environment like that and I eventually got sick of it. I saw a way out and I took it. Again not the smartest decisions and I knew it. That year soon became the worst year of my life.

Later I made another attempt to do what was right and I started attending meetings again even though I never really meant to stop before. However after my second meeting I was stopped by an elder and told that if I want to continue to come that I would have to talk to them first. That scared me. I didn’t see why I could not attend for a while until I was ready to talk but I guess those were the rules. I was extremely discouraged. I was living in Whittier at the time and I felt like everywhere I went people were watching me and going back to my family and telling them things. I was an adult and could not even step out of my house with out someone noticing.

I had a good friend at that time and I would relate all my feelings to that person about all that was going on. I was told that you don’t have to be perfect for God to love you and as long as you have faith and know what is wrong and right and not necessarily what a certain religion says that how can God not love you. That really made me feel better and now that is how I live.

I am so sick of people judging me and saying that every little thing I do is wrong. I was once told that saying “Gosh” was wrong since it sounds so close to God and if I say that I am using Gods name in vane! Can you believe that? I am also so so sick of people saying that I am a bad parent because I am not bringing my daughter up in this religion. But what I want to say is what other 18 year old do you know that got pregnant and after going through all that, has her life together? I am not relying on anyone right now. I have a great place and India is one of the healthiest kids I know, super happy and extremely confident. I have never been on welfare and have always worked so I can support her. She does not go one day with out hearing that I love her! What other person in my situation can say that? All the people who I know who got pregnant when they were a teen still go out and party as if they do not have a kid, they leave their kids with their parents and go out and do what they want. They don’t have a job and rely on people’s tax money to support them. Not me!

No I am not having my child grow up in a religion that everything she does is under a microscope, that people choose their religion over the families, that even though it is supposed to be God that is judging you other people take it upon themselves to judge you. No I am not having my child grow up that way but I will not stop her if later that is something she wants.

Now you tell me that I am a bad parent!

My Daughter!

2008-03-15T10:04:00.005-04:00

I am sure most of you know that I love my daughter India. She is the best thing in my life! Ever since I had her when I was 18 I have taken all responsibility to make sure she is safe, that she has everything she will ever need or want. It has been hard but I have sacrificed alot to do so. I haven't had too much outside help other than pretty much my friends support. I would trade nothing for her and even though I haven't had the life I have always dreamt of I am happy.

Most of you know that her "sperm donor" dad hasn't been in the picture too much. I did live with him for a while but that whole time he was controlling, abusive mentally and physically, took advantage of me and my money. I had so many things I had to pay off or debt I found my self in because of him he also managed to loose alot of my person items that held very sentimental value to me. It was the worst year of my life but I got through it. I paid everything off and my credit was never harmed. (Thank God!) After moving he didn't try to see her much at all but I was willing to work with him so he is in her life. (don't ask me why.) With all my attempts to help him out he never really tried to be apart of her life.

Eventually we moved on I found the love of my life and he came into India's life. Since then we have moved to Virginia, away from everything. We are planning on getting married and possibly Patrick to adopt India after. Patrick is India's daddy, she loves him and he lover her and our family is complete.

Three months away from our wedding and I hear that Joey wants to make a "Comeback" and he wrote a whole crappy blog to that affect:

Today is a new day, Today is my Comeback! Current mood: confident
The are only a few things you can take out of a persons life, friends come and go all the time, people mess up and lose there homes there cars and the way of life (Damn you Bush hahaha) but one thing that you will never be able to strip from a person is there heart, and there family............ As long as you have the heart to stand up and fight for what you know you deserve, you know that you love, you know that no one else should try and take part of or replace then you will have the will to continue, the will to change your life around for the better and take back what you know should have not been taken away from you to begin with. There is no one (NO ONE!!!!) that can stop you or stand in your way...... this is something that a certain someone is about to find out very soon, that no matter how much you take from that person, with the heart they have inside them, they will COMEBACK and not for revange, not to destroy your life or your hope, but just to take back which rightfully belongs to them, i have made my COMEBACK, you will see my return (no drama intended).

Daddy loves his baby!

I guess he never loved her enough before since he didn't do much before. Oh and all that crap about how he is going to take back what is rightfully his like she is some object. And that she was taken away from him. For your information when I moved I told him that he can come out to see her when ever he wants. That he would have to help out with child support about $500 a month and the month that he wants to see her then he doesn't have to pay so he can use that money towards a plane ticket or whatever. I thought that was super nice. I never took him to court for child support or anything, mainly cuz he was not on the birth certificate and I really never wanted him on it. I have just gotten used to our family with out him in it. I couldn't imagine India going with someone she doesn't even know, she doesn't remember him at all. He doesn't know anything that has gone on with her in the last year or so. Why now! I also watched Gone Baby Gone after I read and got stressed about this whole situation. Not the best movie to watch when you are scared about someone else trying to take your child.

If anyone has any suggestions, I am all up for it! Thanks for reading!

Here our some pics of the family:

On the Cleanse

2008-03-07T17:29:00.002-05:00

I was doing so well until about 7pm I had to eat something, but it really was for the better. India ended up getting the flu and passing it on to Patrick and I. I haven't been to work for pretty much the whole week but I can't do much about it. I felt horrible! It took everything in me not to throw up (I hate throwing up with a passion)! My whole body hurt and I couldn't eat (sorta upside to being sick) and could barely move. Oh and this had to be when we don't have cable and my phone is broken so I was totally bored on top of it all!

So the cleanse would not have been so great to continue at that time. I still think it would be good to do but just not now. It is super hard tho... the hunger is so strong the first few days. I just wanted to chew anything. Oh well... I will let you all know if I ever decide to do it again.

On the plus side of being sick I have lost 4 pounds! I have been eating but not too much, mostly saltine crackers and some cereal. Hopefully when I feel better I can keep it off and even loose more. We went to the store a few days ago before I felt so bad and got a ton of healthy food, fruits, yogurt, veggies and whole grain wheat bread. I plan on exercising when I have the energy and hopefully I can loose 10 lbs by my wedding or sooner. =) That would be great!

Again, wish me luck! =)

current weight 136

Master Cleanse/ Day One!

2008-03-03T15:03:00.004-05:00

Ok I haven't had Internet since we moved to our new apartment and the cable ppl are dumb but I really want to write about what I am doing right now:

I have started the Master Cleanse. It is a cleanse (not a diet) of a lemonade mixture that you drink for 10 days straight with no food. You drink a laxative tea before you go to bed and a saline flush in the morning and that's it! It cleans all the nasty toxins out of your body that fast food and bad habits leave behind.

I am on day 1. I have had 2 drinks so far and they are not that bad. They are made with water, lemon juice, pure maple syrup grade B, and cayenne pepper. It tastes like watered down lemonade with a bit of a kick! ;) I am doing pretty good so far. I am hungry but its really not that bad. I have been peeing alot tho! Probably to flush out toxins...

I am doing this to start clean. I have gained about 10 lbs since I have been in Virginia and its depressing. I hate it...I am the biggest I have ever been with out being pregnant. I want to shrink my stomach so I am not always hungry and eat so much. I am hoping to do this cleanse and then go on a real diet with healthy vegetables and fruits and hopefully it will be a little easier if I start this way first. I want to take before and after pictures. I am a bit scared to post them since I am so low on self esteem cuz of my weight. I have read alot about this cleanse and you loose alot of weight fast but you should expect to gain at least half of it back once you go back to eating...(big reason why this is not a diet)! I still want to keep track of how much I weigh everyday and I am going to keep a diary of everything over the next 10 or so days.

Wish me luck!

current weight: 140 =( so sad!

Easiest 20 Bucks EVER!

2008-02-13T21:02:00.002-05:00

I tried my hand at selling something on Craigslist.com for the first time. I wanted to sell this drafting table that I got (for free) to use for my drawings...but never really used. We are moving to a new apartment at the end of the month and I wanted it gone! I took some pictures and posted it on craigslist. The next day I got a message and in a few hours they were here to pick it up and I made $20 off something I got for free!

Is that wrong?

I am also trying to sell our mini fridge, a vintage lamp, and my small TV. I have had some interest and hope to make more money soon! Its fun! It was really the easiest thing ever!

I did recently attempt to buy something off craigslist and it didn't work out so well. I was trying to buy a veil and I spoke with the lady and agreed that I would come to her place and pick it up. I went at the time we agreed and even saw her go into her house but when I went up to the door she didn't answer. I called a few times and still no answer! I was a bit annoyed and swore that the next day I saw that same lady trying to sell the veil for more money.

Oh well. I tried. I do want to let ppl know that they should always be careful with things like this. People coming to your place or you going to their...you should always bring someone with you or be prepared. I am always equipped with my mase that I will not be afraid to use if I need to! =)

A Ton of Thoughts

2008-02-10T08:53:00.000-05:00

I am sorry I haven't been keeping up with my blogging lately. I have been so busy and tremendously stressed that I have all these things going on in my head that I just haven't had a clear moment to express myself.

I have been sorta bummed lately. I totally miss California! I don't have many friends here and its just sad. I don't do as much at all compared to what I did in CA. Its also so damn cold here and it seems to last forever! I love being close to Patrick's family but they are moving to Tenn. in a couple years and I really don't want to be stuck in Virginia. I really can't see myself living her for too much longer. I just don't know where to go from here.

As far as the wedding goes...its going...going slowly. I have never planned a wedding before and really haven't even been apart of one that I had much involvement in so I don't know what I am doing. I so far just have my dress and the reception venue... I still need flowers, a DJ, someone to marry us, and all the small things. Things are really adding up too. Patrick and I had a brief thought of just flying out to Vegas and getting married. That way our friends from CA can drive out and we would have a blast and it was be just a fraction of the cost of the wedding. But Patrick's parents really want us to have a nice wedding for the family.

I am trying everything I can to cut costs and still make everything look great but it is hard! Patrick's parents are helping out and I sent a card to my mom asking her if she would like to pitch in as well (we don't talk much). She called me out of the blue one day before she got the card and was very pleasant. Then after she got my card I heard from my sister that she was going to help us out with the wedding. I was so excited to hear that but I didn't get my hopes up too high since I hadn't heard anything from my mom yet. Well the other day my sister called again and said my mom changed her mind and that she doesn't want to help anymore. I don't really know what changed her mind since I haven't done anything or said anything to her this whole time. I am super bummed tho. I don't even know if I really want her to come if she is not going to help out. I know I shouldn't expect anything but when my sister has everything paid for like her apartment, food, school and everything for her kid, my sister has no source of income so obviously she gets enough money to live, my other sister as well, my parents bought her a car, they pay for her insurance, she doesn't have to pay rent since she lives with my grandma, her cell phone is paid for and everything and she has a job! All the other kids get everything paid for but me. I get nothing, not even help with India. I never have! The only thing my mom paid for was half of a plane ticket to Georgia to visit my grandma when she had breast cancer. She even wanted me to pay her back but my dad said no.

I don't want to complain and I have gotten along fine with out their help but how would you feel? I really want to go to school and I cant because I work full time and I don't have enough money to right now. I am the only child so far that my parents haven't paid for to go to school. I am not sure what I did. I cant say its cuz I got pregnant at 18. My sister, the one that doesn't have a job, she just had her 3rd kid 6 months ago and she is only 22! My mom adopted the 2 other ones. She has been living on a off the streets for the last 4 or so years, on and off drugs, in jail and rehab and now she is getting everything she wants. I don't get it!

Ok sorry for the venting but I really needed to get that off my chest! In other news...starting Monday I am on a mission to loose about 7lbs in a month. I hope to average about 2lbs a week. I am quiting sodas for now (that is going to be so hard since I'm totally addicted to Diet Coke!), I am going to work out at least 3 times a week for 30 minutes, not eat out, eat breakfast and bring my lunch to work. I really hope I can make it. I have been gaining weight like crazy and it was sorta sad when I got my dress that it was a little tight! Ever since I have been in Virginia I have not been under a certain weight and it just sad! So wish me luck!

Urban Dictionary

2008-01-30T09:00:00.000-05:00

Yay for Urban Dictionary.com, for the not very urban Cuban that I am. I wanted to look up some words I have recently heard first one was “parking lot” I have heard this in a lot of songs lately and had no clue what the heck it meant. I heard it first in that “lovey dovey kiss kiss kiss” song I think it was during Chris Browns part after singing about his Lamborghini he says, “we parkin lot”. At first thought I thought it was something like doin it in the car or something but what I found on Urban Dictionary was totally off my thought: “n. The parking lot is the space between a woman's vagina and anus where the man's scrotum can "park" Ewwww… that’s nasty! I also don’t see how that would be such a good thing that you even sing about it. Weird! (oh and I like how it underlines certain words so I can look those up as well if I am not sure of the meaning… =P)

The second one was “Hyphy” I saw this on my friends myspace, “Jessx gets Hyphy” so I looked it up…
1 : dangerous and irrational: CRAZY;
2 : amusingly eccentric; without inhibition: GOOFY

That sounds like it is more on that the other definition and it makes sense. So I’m glad I learned something! =)

On another note… I have been super busy with work and planning my wedding. I haven’t had too much time to update my blogs but then again I don’t want to bore people with wedding stuff. I will say that I did buy my dress…its simple and elegant and a great price and I have just about booked my reception venue.

My job has been super stressful in the past few weeks but I am looking up because I read my horoscope and things are going to pay off soon! I go on Astrology Zone.com it is Susan Millers website, she is the one who writes all the horoscopes in the big magazines… she is awesome and even if it is not true it makes me have a more positive outlook on things. It does sometimes scare me with how accurate it can be so I highly recommend at least taking a look.

The Good Die Young

2008-01-24T10:47:00.000-05:00

I have realized I don’t handle death that easily. Lately it seems to be everywhere; all these young people are dying. My friend Jackie, then Brad Renfro (I don’t think a lot of people know him but I had the biggest crush on him when he played Tom in Tom and Huck) and now Heath Ledger. It really has made me realize how precious life is and how anyone can go at any time. I feel as if I don’t have enough time. I’m not ready to go yet and I wish I could be certain it wont happen for a long long time but there is no way of knowing. It’s scary…

My heart goes out to those who have past and their families. May they rest in peace.

Recent Wedding News

2008-01-14T09:24:00.000-05:00

I should apologize for my long blog below. The most important thing was in the first paragraph so I don’t mind if you don’t read the whole thing…I was just going on about how dumb my neighbors below us are.

Anywho, in regards to my previous blog about my wedding being…not so much what I was planning…forget that! Once Patrick’s parents found out they offered to help out a little with the cost. They said they really thought it would be great for the family to get together in a nice formal setting so they’d like to help. I think things are going to be a little different though…instead of my much dreamed up outdoor wedding I think we are going to opt for a nice catholic wedding (mainly for Patrick’s parents). I am just a little nervous about what my parents are going to think since they are the most devout of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I know they will be disappointed. However, they have to realize that I have chosen a different path in life out side of the Jehovah’s Witnesses religion. They are pretty much already disappointed in me so what is one more thing. Also they aren’t helping out with the wedding cost so they don’t have much say in how I plan it. Oh and this is all only if they decide to come.

That’s pretty much it as far as recent news goes. Patrick and I have been working all weekend potty training India. After a few accidents she finally started getting the whole letting us know before its too late thing down on Sunday night. To any mommies out there: if you have any suggestions or know anything that really worked for you, I am up for suggestions! Also any ideas for wedding planning on a budget would be most appreciated.

THANX!

Goin Strong

2008-01-13T09:44:00.000-05:00

Instead of weighting myself on Monday mornings I switched to Saturday mornings since I don't do so well over the weekends. I made it to the gym 4 times in my 5 day week between weighing! I am watching what I eat and have been doing pretty well! So when I got on the scale on Saturday morning I was surprised to find out I lost another 3 pounds! So that is 4 pounds lost since the new year! YAY! I'm gonna keep it going and hopefully by summer I can have my bikini body.

Patrick and I are looking for a new place. We like our apartment but we don't have a balcony or anything to really go outside and sit. So we are looking for a nice townhouse so we can have a place of our own oh and a roommate, Its just too expensive out here!

Everything was going fine with our apartments until a few weeks ago our neighbor from down stairs came up and said we were making too much noise. I told her I'm not sure what it could be, and that I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter but there is nothing we can really do about her, she just runs around but I know its not that loud and she goes to bed at 7:30pm. She said we are so loud and its from 6am to 1am, I proceeded to tell her that cannot be us then because we don't get up until 7:30 and we work then after India goes to bed we go to bed at 10:30. I told her to check with the next door neighbors since they just moved in not too long ago. She didn't say much and just left, didn't check at all with the people next door!

So the next week I was home with India and Patrick went to the gym. I was on the computer like usual and India was up playing (again not being too loud) and the girl from down stairs came up again. She said we really need to stop being so loud, I again told her I had no clue what she was talking about since India wasn't being loud and its not like its in the middle of the night or anything. She said its all day everyday! I said I am not home all day everyday, I work and then we don't stay up late at all, I said I'm not a morning person and don't get up at 6. She raised her voice and demanded who it could be if it is not us. I pointed next door and she said no it cannot be them since our kitchen is right above hers. (not to sure what that has to do with it). Then she yelled that she was going to go to the office and tell them we too loud and ran down stairs...I told her "go ahead!"

That annoyed me so much since we have always done what we could to not make too much noise. India got a Christmas present from her grandparents and it was a little thing she can ride and it bounced but we figured it would make too much noise so we kept it at Patrick's parents house. Anywho, I called Patrick all upset that this dumb girl just yelled at me and wont believe that its not us making so much noise. He went over to their apartment to ask them to stop knocking on our door because it is not us and as soon as the girl opened the door and saw who it was she slammed the door in his face! He knocked harder! The guy came to the door and Patrick told him not to knock on our door again and the guy said that they will settle it tomorrow and closed the door. Not knowing what to think of the whole thing, Patrick went to the office and let them know what was going on and if anything happened to any of our things that the guy sounded like he was trying to threaten us. They just said ok.

Patrick got a call from the manager of the apartments the next day and explained that the people down stairs made a complaint about us being loud and how they supposedly came to our door asking us nicely to be quiet and then that Patrick went over there threatening them! OMG! What liars...she came to me all mad and yelling at me. So I am not too happy, the manager didn't want to listen to Patrick and only wanted to believe the dumb people down stairs! I've sorta been loud now...we are only here for another 2 months or so so I am gonna be loud...even though its not really loud and its only during the day because like I said I am not up to late or that early and I'm at work all day. It kept me up a few nights since I was just so upset that they are being so mean. I listened to all the noises I heard at night and was just more upset cuz it wasn't us and I'm sure the people downstairs still thought it was.

Anywho they really cant do much. They think they are going to get us kicked out but they cant prove we are being loud and even if they call the cops, unless it is after 10 or something I don't think they can do much. So if they hear something at 1 in the morning and want to call the cops on us go ahead cuz they are just going to find that we were sleeping. I can't wait to leave this place now! Getting a townhouse will make it so we wont have to worry about dumb neighbors that think we are too loud! SO wish us luck that we just find a nice place in our price range!

2008 So Far...

2008-01-07T12:21:00.000-05:00

It’s a week into the New Year and I am so far been doing pretty good about my new years resolutions…

As for my diet: I was doing so good Tuesday to Friday, eating 1000 to 1500 calories a day, and good things for you too. Saturday I slipped a little and got back on track on Sunday. I was so excited to weigh myself this morning and see how my hard work has paid off! I get up go to the bathroom, relieve myself (don’t want that extra water weight) and weigh myself and what does it say? ONLY 1 POUND LIGHTER. I swear I though it was going to be 4 or 5 but no just 1. Instead of being discouraged like I would usually get I’ve just gotten more determined to loose this dumb weight I have put on! So I am going to try harder and exercise more and we will see where I am a week from now!

As for the money diet: We have been doing ok. I made a huge and very hard decision the other day. Instead of the wedding I was planning on having, Patrick and I have decided to go to the court and get married and have a small reception type thing after. I figure it wasn’t worth spending thousands of dollars on something so small that only about 50 people would be attending, if that. So we are opting out and deciding on saving the money and doing something small and then a nice honeymoon, (planning on a cruise to the Caribbean). Its hard knowing you won’t have what you have dreamed of your whole life, but my parents weren’t going to help out and we can always renew our vows later and have a nice ceremony then. It will be better this way, or I just need to keep telling myself that.

Other than all that, things have been going pretty well. We are looking for a new place when out lease ends in March. We are looking for a nice townhouse with a yard to rent with a roommate. I’m sick of living in an apartment and having to worry about how loud you are and make sure your not walking too hard so your neighbors below don’t get mad. So I just hope it works out and we get a nice place. Wish us luck!

Again… HAPPY NEW YEAR!

R.I.P JESSICA JACKIE VILLANUEVA

2007-12-29T20:55:00.000-05:00

I really don't know where to start... I just found out I lost a friend. Its so shocking! Im still just praying its not true.

We shared so many memories and we did alot of dumb things. We were untouchable at 16. We both shared the same views towards our families and our dislike and rebellion for the religion we were raised in. We both headed down the same path and got pregnant at the age of 18. Except that she still kept going... hanging out with the wrong crowd and partying. I can't blame her...she was just a 20 year old trying to have a little fun. I guess she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I haven't seen her in over a year. She was pregnant then, still having me run her up and down the street in my car since she didn't have one yet. We would laugh so hard and just have a good time. We were both boy crazy and made any excuse to go see a guy. We would lie to our parents and go out and have out "covert ops" and call them funny names like "Operation Peach Cobbler" that was the best time. She is still my friend on here and we would leave each other comments once in a while and I even visted her page not that long ago. Its just shocking that she's not here anymore.

It really makes me realize how greatful I am for what I have now and really greatful that I didnt go down the same path. Also it just makes me realize how much my friends mean to me...whether old or new or even if we don't talk so much anymore. I cried the second I heard and I am sure I would with anyone of my friends. I am expecially sad for the family, to loose someone so young. And of course her 1 year old son. He won't know what a great person she was...even though she made some bad desicions. It didnt have to end like that.

REST IN PEACE JACKIE. YOU WILL BE REMEMBERED!

To the NEW YEAR!

2007-12-27T11:33:00.000-05:00

Christmas is over! It went by so fast… I had so much fun though. I got everything I wanted… (Which wasn’t much) and so much more! I got a much needed new camera…its very small and sleek, I love it! I of course loved everyone’s reaction to what I got them; it makes me feel good when I know someone truly likes something I bought them. Patrick has been glued to his PSP ever since Christmas Eve (when we opened the presents). I even went to church with Patrick’s family, I felt a little awkward just because in the Catholic churches they repeat things back to the speaker and I couldn’t follow what they were saying. Also I was one of the only people still sitting when everyone went up to get the communion. It wasn’t that bad and I think it would be good to start going regularly for India’s sake. I think it’s good to grow up with religion.

So now it’s on to the New Year!! I am making all kinds of new years resolutions. I am going to start eating healthier and working out regularly. I have gained a lot of weight in the past month or so and I need to loose it before the wedding or even before I go dress shopping. Also a money “diet” I need to stop spending money on things I don’t need, like eating out, which is a big one. And also a cleaning routine, I like to keep our place clean but sometimes it gets messy and I feel like I’m always cleaning hard core, so if we regularly pick up after our selves and not wait for it to be a mess to clean it I think it would work a lot better. Patrick and I are going to sit down and write everything out that we would like to change and make a schedule for everything. Hopefully we stick to it! =)

Anyway, it’s been a crazy year, full of changes and new experiences. I am looking forward to what the New Year is going to bring and I’m so excited for the things I already know are to come!

Happy Holidays!!!

2007-12-23T10:20:00.000-05:00

Wow it’s almost Christmas!!! I totally love Christmas, it just makes me feel loved by everyone! I super excited that I get to spend Christmas with the Early family here in Virginia. I am also enjoying learning all that Christmas entails; there is so much I never knew about all the traditions. *** I did not grow up celebrating holidays so I’m sorta new to all this!*** I got a Christmas tree (fake) with lights but its so pretty and I even got festive candles to make my house just smell like Christmas time! I LOVE IT! I love the giving …and the receiving ;) hehee

I’m actually super excited to open my gifts this year because I have no clue what they are so it’s going to be a great surprise. I also love the way ppl light up when they open gifts…it gives me just this warm nice feeling inside! Patrick knows what I got him and is so excited to finally open it up and use it! (shhhh it’s a PSP) It just makes me so happy.

I feel sorry for the JWs of the world who have not gotten to experience this time of year. I guess if you are that strong in your beliefs it shouldn’t matter, I guess that’s why I strayed…I always thought I was missing out on something!

But anyway…no matter what holiday you are (or not) celebrating…Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Eid, or Christmas… Be safe and Be HAPPY!

First snowfall of Winter and my life!

2007-12-07T14:37:00.000-05:00

SNOW! It was the first snowfall of Winter the other day! I loved it. It was so pretty! I have never lived anywhere where it snowed before and have only seen it snow once before in my life so this was a big thing for me. =)

I loved how everything looked when all the snow was on the ground...just white and beautiful!!!

See for yourself:

That is what I saw when I woke up that next morning...absolutely beautiful!

Wedding Nightmares!

2007-12-04T19:53:00.000-05:00

Its already December...O.M.G where the heck did this year go?!?!

That being said I only have...what...about 6 months to plan this wedding and I have barely done anything!!! I had a nightmare last night that is was already June and I had nothing ready...no one ended up coming and I didn't even know where my wedding was going to be.

Sadly the picture below is no longer available...I had no idea that it would be over a years waiting list. Unless I want to get married on a Thursday, it's not going to happen. However, I do have good news, my co-worker (well actually ex-co-worker cuz she just quit) lives with her parents on a 5 acre lot and has offered her yard for my wedding. That is great for me cuz it cuts a huge cost. I have to come up with a guest list and just start buying things. After I loose at least these last 5 lbs I put on during Thanksgiving I can go dress shopping... I can't wait! I just wish I had all my girls here to go with me.

I'm excited. And if anyone reading this has any ideas for me regarding a wedding I am totally open!!

Thanx! Luv ya guys!

Picture Perfect!

2007-11-17T10:09:00.000-05:00

Here is the place I am planning on having the wedding... its the botanical gardens in Vienna, VA

Its really inexpensive too...

I love it... I dont know if I will have the wedding at the gazebo or not but at least its a great photo opp!

Keep this Date!

2007-11-17T09:58:00.000-05:00

So I have our wedding date!!! I don't know if this is against whatever wedding planing rules are out there but I am gonna let you guys know... not like many people read this anyway. OK are you ready... June, 21st 2008!!! So if any of you happen to be in Virginia/Washington, DC area come on over.

I'm kinda bummed just for the fact that all my friends are in CA and most aren't going to come. Its going to be a very small but a classy and traditional wedding. Its exciting planning it and everything but overwhelming at the same time just cuz so much goes in to it. I am not gonna spend a ton of money and am cutting costs where I can, with out making it look cheap. We want to go on a cruise to the Caribbean for our honeymoon so we would like to save money on the wedding and spend more on the honeymoon. =) I really can't wait.

Mrs Patrick Ryan Early, Mrs Early, Mrs Katie Louise Early, Katie Early... I LOVE IT! =)

A little update.

2007-11-06T11:22:00.000-05:00

So far my new job is pretty good. I process payroll and time sheets for our engineers who are contracted through other companies. It’s a bit hectic but I am finding new ways to make it easier everyday. I am totally broke right now and still waiting on my first paycheck.

I continued to work at Fridays for the first week of my new job but after a 16 hour day I was exhausted!!! I don’t think it really has been worth the effort. I barely make anything in tips and I am super tired at work the next day. I told Fridays not to put me on the schedule and I will just call in if I need a shift or if they need me, they can call me. So far I haven’t been back. I really miss the ppl there tho. I made a few good friends. =)

Not working at Fridays and not getting my first pay check for another two weeks has put us really in the hole. I am so broke. I haven’t paid my car payment that was due on the 25th of last month or my cell phone. =( I got a call from my dad pretty much pissed at me for not paying my car. Its ok tho…as long as I don’t let it go over 30 days I am good. Their credit won’t be effected. I love how my parents only call when they want something. Which is pretty much only when I am a little late on my car payment. They never ask why I am late….they just get mad that I haven’t paid it. …. I need to stop thinking of them. I have a lot of anger inside about them and I really need to let it go. Accept the fact that its not going to get better and that they really shouldn’t matter to me.

On top of all that the new daycare told us that we have two weeks to find a new daycare. =( She just started this daycare and India has really liked it and has been doing so well there. When we found her she had mentioned that she wanted to start her own family… what we didn’t know is that she was going to start it a few weeks after we got her. I guess she has been trying to get pregnant and did the whole fertility thing and now is pregnant with triplets maybe more and she is not even 2 months along and she is already on bed rest! So I have to find a new daycare…AGAIN! I feel bad for having to change things again for India. I always worry when she goes to a new place and I want to always make sure she is being taken care of. Its really hard and very stressful!

Hopefully just 2 more weeks and things will be better! :/

OMG!!!

2007-10-19T11:16:00.000-04:00

I went to my interview...I still had the mind set that I really wasn't going to get the job...I was messing up on my application spelling things wrong and everything so I just didn't think it looked good. I went in and had my interview with the general manager and he liked me. He said that they were looking for a receptionist position and if I would like that... I told him that I hadn't had a receptionist job before and I really don't know how comfortable I would be with having a job where I am constantly on the phone and I honestly was looking for more of an administrative position. He was so surprised I was being honest with him and said he did have another position for a project coordinator/ admin assistant. He told me alittle about the job and I said I would be interested. He left and told me that he was going to have the HR manager sit with me and ask me a few questions and she came in and asked a few questions and then told me I had the job!!!

WHOA!!! When does that happen... she said that the position was open and she thought I would be great for it so why look any further. Also it makes a big difference to me and I really want to mention how there were still 4 other ppl sitting in the lobby waiting to interview!!! That shows me that they were not just desperate and wanted just anyone, they just really liked me I guess.

I start Monday!!! Oh and I will be making at least $34k a year and they have great benefits and everything. Flexible work schedules and semi-casual dress!!! I couldn't ask for anything better!!!

Broke!

2007-10-19T08:54:00.000-04:00

I am not making near as much as I thought I would at Fridays. Its hard when we can only have 4 tables at a time and when your section only consists of 2 tops. I will make 4 dollars a table which is nothing!!!

I got a phone call from a company who I dont know if I applied to or they say my resume online but they want to interview me for an administrative assistant position that starts at 30k-40k a year!!! I am going to the interview this morning but sadly I dont think I will get it. I know its a bad way to think but for some reason there has always been someone better. If this job doesnt work out I am going to look into the airlines over here. Im a few minutes away from the Dulles airport here and there are a ton of jobs. Plus I really want the benefits of traveling for free. I have some future plans for them that I will get into in another blog. =)

Well...wish me luck, I am on my way!

Welcome to Friday's!

2007-10-03T17:05:00.000-04:00

So after my very stressful job hunt I wasn't able to find any office jobs that would hire me as soon as I wanted. So I went with my first choice....Friday's.

I went and I was hired on the spot. I finished all my paper work and am training to be a server on Thursday night. YAY! Its probably going to be a little pay cut but hopefully we will manage. All of the restaurant lingo and just the kitchen atmosphere reminds me of my Disney days. The manager really liked that I came from Disney and I think the knowledge that I took from working there will help me out alot in my new job.

I hope I make good tips!

In other news. Patrick and I are going on a major no spending diet! We spend alot of money on food (i.e. going out, ordering out & take out) but NO MORE! I really want to save for our wedding and hopefully we are planning on maybe...buying a town house after our lease expires in April. We will save up for that live in it for a few years and sell it for hopefully more than we bought it for then move to a house. And if we get a town house we will have a yard and I can get a dog! YAY! So I'm just hoping everything will work out.

Bummed!

2007-10-01T10:32:00.000-04:00

I didnt get the job.

... my self esteem dropped a few points... Im stressed!

Trial Day

2007-09-27T10:54:00.000-04:00

As my previous blog notes, I was a bit nervous to do my little "trial day" at the job I interviewed for.

I was the first one he (the Dr) interviewed and he said he compared everyone to me and no one measured up...until the last girl. He said that she was equally as great as me. So it was hard so he is trying this trial to see how we get along with him and if he sees something he doesn't like...to make his decision easier.

I loved my day there! All his patients are so nice and I was talking to everyone so out going and personable. I am not usually like that but his office is so open and comfortable that it just came naturally to me. I tend to feed off others energy so it totally worked to my advantage.

He liked everything I did. I didn't make his decision any easier, however the other girl still has to do her trial on Friday. He said he hopes that there is just something she does that rubs him the wrong way so that it can be easier for him. And of course I think the same way. I am still in the running (hehe) but hopefully she slips up on something! Oh and I got my back adjusted...Oh so nice! I needed it!

After that day I know what I will mainly be doing and I know the atmosphere of the office and I love everything about it. I really really really hope I get it!

Head to Head!

2007-09-26T11:17:00.000-04:00

I got a call from the Dr just a few minutes ago. He told me that its between me and another girl that he wants to hire. He wants me to come in and work and see how well I am at the job and he is going to do the same with her and then pick who he thinks would be the best at the job!

This stresses me out. I don't know this other girl and how great she is and I'm sure she is more of a people person and I'm just stressed...I feel like I am trying to win a competition... I have to have my A game on and do everything right and not screw it up!

sigh! I'm scared. If I don't get it I am not going to happy. I have waited, he told me that he was confident that he would give me a call back and I really need this job....

Pray for me!

Call me Holly Homemaker

2007-09-25T09:39:00.001-04:00

I am out of a job for a few days and promised Patrick that while I am at home I would clean the house and make him dinner and have it ready by the time he comes home. I woke up early yesterday and helped him get India ready for daycare. I took a shower and got dressed for the day, cleaned the house, did 3 loads of laundry, painted my toe nails, plucked my eyebrows, worked out, and made one of the best dinners... jumbo shell pasta stuffed with cheese (ricotta, mozzarella, and Parmesan) and in a tomato basil sauce! I even made garlic bread. I lit a candle on the dinning room table and had everything set out for us.

HE LOVED IT!

It made me feel so great. I felt like I accomplished alot and I really wish I could do that everyday. Patrick also wished that he made enough money so I could stay home. I would love to do something part time at home and stay home and take care of the kids and just get things done and fee accomplished.

I am going to do it all over again today! I just hope that I get a call from the Doctor soon! I really need a job!

Two Weeks Notice

2007-09-20T19:42:00.000-04:00

I put my two weeks in at my job...two weeks ago! My job ends on Friday and before today I really hadn't found a job. I was getting super stressed and just annoyed. I am sort of sick of sitting in an office all day and not doing much. I want something a bit more fun but with also a secure income. How the heck was I going to find that. I have been working with a few employment agencies who promise me jobs but end up with nothing.

I was told I was going to get a job at an animal hospital as a receptionist. I thought, "How fun! I love animals, it really can't be all that bad." Well I left work earlier than I planned so I would get there on time and decided to take the toll road since that is much faster and alot less traffic...I wanted to make a good impression by getting to my interview early. I was told by a girl at work that they accept credit cards at the toll booth and I didn't think twice to question it because I have seen that around and she lives near by. Well of course when I come up on the toll booth they don't accept cards and I am told to give them my drivers license and pull off to the side. I was waiting there for a good 5 minutes until they came and got my information and gave me a dumb receipt for $3.50 that I have to pay in 10 days or it goes up $25!!! I was glad I had left early. The road was totally clear for a good 15 miles. Then all of a sudden right before my exit...another dumb toll booth! It said full service so I figured they took cards but I was wrong. This time instead of telling me to pull over to the side they held up a ton of cars who were all pissed off at me and honking just to write me up a receipt for 75 cents!!! Ok so I'm off the toll Rd...thank God! I'm finally in the area and am looking for the street I was supposed to turn at...I go up and down the street a few times and nothing...I didn't see the street at all. It was only a few minutes until my interview so I called the lady...(thinking she'd understand! Come on I've only been in this state a few months) she gave me directions to the place and it so happens that my directions I printed online weren't exactly correct so I was headed in the totally wrong direction. When I got there I was about 10 minutes late and not too happy. Neither was she. The interview went well but then she asked if I am tardy at work and how my attendance is at my current job. I said its good. But then she said what would my current employer say about my tardiness. Well I just got written up about it (didn't tell her that) so I'm guessing it wouldn't be too good. Oh well...it was way too far anyway!

I left feeling that it didn't go to well...plus as I was leaving I saw a lady pull up crying and pulling a dead pet out of her trunk! I don't think I could have dealt with that anyway. I was so stressed when I left. I didn't want to work there but where would I work!?!?!

As soon as I got back to work I went on Craigslist.com...I have been on the site almost everyday looking for new posts for jobs. The first one I saw was: "If you're looking for a fun place to work with almost no stress, this is it. Answer phones, schedule appointments, call insurances, and help out with some physical therapy modalities. This really is an easy job and laid back environment, and you must be able to laugh. This is not you're typical doctor's office." (by the way the job was for a Chiropractic Assistant/ Front Desk) That sounded too good to be true but I sent my resume anyway. About 5 minutes later I get a call asking me to come in for an appointment! And on top of that it is right down the street from where I currently work and that would be perfect since Patrick and I only have one car!

Fast forward one day... I show up not knowing what to expect. The doctor was at the front desk and welcomed me in and off the bat was just super nice. He interviewed me and made sure I can handle the fun environment and he said they joke around alot and not to take things personally or get offended easily by things him or his patents may say. I am totally fine with that! He said I would not be paid hourly but be paid Salary and I would be paid for 40 hours a week even though we only work 32 hours a week. HOW AWESOME IS THAT! He said he goes on vacation alot and when he is on vacation I am on vacation and I am paid for all that time as well! He said he will pay for my Starbucks in the morning and breakfast. We talked for awhile longer just about everything I would be doing and I loved everything I heard. He told me that I was the first one he had interviewed. He said he had a few more interviews today and tomorrow but he is confident that I will be hired!!! YAY! I really hope no one nicer comes along and he still likes me. I think this job would be great!!! I really cant wait to hear back...Its like an answer to my prayers!

CROSS YO FINGAS!

Something old, something new, something barrowed, something blue and a sixpence in her shoe.

2007-09-08T11:20:00.000-04:00

So there's my ring! Isn't it just b-e-a-u-tiful! It wasn't too much of a surprise since I went with him to pick it out. I love it tho!

I know this is supposed to be really exciting for me, and it is, I just keep thinking about how things will go from here. Nothing in my life has gone right. I never celebrated my birthday until 2 years ago and never had my own party or really anything my own. No special day or anything remotely close. So my whole life I just wanted my wedding day to be my special day. I don't need anything big but I really want to do everything traditionally. I want an engagement party, take engagement photos, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, wedding, reception... the whole thing!

We still don't know what Patrick wants to do as far as the military goes. More and more I think about it I get scared. I wish there was an easier way. But if he does join we will have to be married and we will most likely do it at a court since we most likely won't have time or money to plan anything. He said I can have my wedding later but I really don't think it will be as special and why would we spend money on it later when we are all ready married? All of that just makes me sad. I don't want to be so selfish but really this is supposed to be the most important day in a girls life and I have known how I wanted it to go since I was a little girl. I guess we will just see how things go...

Also, lately I have been thinking about how men cheat. Patrick promises me that he never will, but can you truly know that for sure. I have luckily ever had a boyfriend cheat on me. I don't think I could take it. My self esteem really isn't high at all and I cant imagine it being too much lower. I have a friend who was with her boyfriend for about the same time Patrick and I have been together and he ended up cheating on her. Were there signs? Was their relationship fine up until that point? He really seemed to genuinely love her so if baffles my mind why he would cheat on her. It seems like cheating plays a big role in a lot of marriages ending. That scares me. How do you know? I don't want to not trust Patrick and turn him away but is it really safe to fully trust him??? I never want to get divorced...I really don't consider it an option so this marriage thing is really big to me and is starting to make me a bit nervous!

Army Wife?!?!

2007-08-30T17:36:00.000-04:00

So here's the deal.

Patrick's been wanting to join the military. He has talked about it all through are relationship but is now very adamant about it. He first looked at joining the Marines and we went down to talk to a recruiter but then when he told the recruiter that he needed time to think about it and the guy got mad at him and even hung up on him. That and his brother's experience with the Marines, sort of turned him off to that option. We went to his parents with his idea and they were a bit surprised but can see why he would want to and recommended the Air Force. He did some research and liked what he saw and tried to get hold of a recruiter. There he found his problem... the guy is never in the office and never answers his phone. They are down sizing and not interested in helping anyone right now.

He then went to the army. They had the job he wanted (cryptologist linguist) and are offering a $20k sign on bonus ...if he leaves for boot camp by the end of September!!! We will also have to get married before he signs up so that India and I get his benefits while he is away.

I'M SCARRED!!!! That means that so many things will happen in just ONE month. If he does decide on joining, like I said we will have to be married. We plan on doing something small here at a court just to get it legalized and then I can plan something bigger when he is gone. I am kinda excited about that part. I love him and can't wait to marry him. He would go to MEPS (where people sign up to become soldiers), take the ASVAB and then the DLAP (test to determine if he is capable to learn another language) and if he does well on that he can get his job as a cryptologist linguist. He would leave at the latest September 29th and leave for 9 weeks to boot camp. His parents, India and I would be able to go to his graduation ceremony and then he would be sent to California, Monterey to go to a language institute there when he will begin training on learning another language. One I got things here squared away they would send India and I to Monterey to live with Patrick.

I am excited about the Monterey part. I cant wait to be back in CALI even if its in Monterey its still only hours in a car rather than on a plane. He would be at the school for 2 years, not sure if he would be deployed during that time but I guess I will have to expect it. I don't know how I will manage with out him but I think it might be beneficial for me so I can gain some Independence, since I rely alot on Patrick.

Even though all of this really scares me right now, I think its going to end well. Patrick will be able to move on from this with alot more than he came in with. He will have security clearance for jobs he would want in the government and a college degree. (Automatically gets an AA with the completion of the language school). I said to him that I support anything he does and in four years from now we don't know where we will be whether good or bad but if he does join we know he will at the least have an AA and security clearance and many more experiences that he would have never been able to get with out joining.

My path changes

2007-08-27T21:29:00.000-04:00

Sadly to say my school idea didn't work out. I actually followed through with everything and took my assessment tests and even signed up for classes. The one thing that I didn't realize was that since I have not been in this state for a year I am charged an out of state fee for every class. I was charged over $700 for just one class!!! I just can't at this time. I feel like I am not able to save money at all and actually find myself barely making it at times. I just have to wait about 8 more months and I will sign up again.

It really annoys me that I cant even go to school because I font have enough money. I want to get married but how are we going to pay for a ring or even a wedding. I don't have family to help with that... I am thinking about getting a second job in place of starting school but I am already worn out with my current job I have no clue how I would stand another.

I'M STRESSED!!!

Patrick really doesn't know what he wants to do either. He finds something than changes his mind. I love him to death and I love that everything he thinks to do just has India and my best interest and I know he really tries but its just stressful. I don't know what's going on.

I feel as though my life is at a stand still and I am not too happy about it. My job sucks but I cant seem to find a way to change it. I am in a rut with money but again I don't see a way that will work to make more. There are obviously ways that will change these things but to factor in India, that we only have one car, my lack of a college degree, my non flexible hours at work and a few other things, my options are limited.

I have made a few more friends at work and am happy with that. I have both Kathleen and Adriana here and it is great to have ppl here I know. Some other girls at work are trying to take me out and give me time to have fun. Its nice I just don't want to loose sight of what I really need to do.

I almost had a breakdown last week and its been really hard. I have however, started drawing and painting more to keep my mind occupied on other things than my problems right now. And of course blogging helps too!

I hate being sick!

2007-08-15T12:46:00.000-04:00

So I am sick at home, I haven't had too much time to keep this updated so I will do my best right now.

I have had so many things on my mind. I have also been keeping busy with some friends and just life things.

First of all there are two amazing girls that I used to work with a few years ago at Disneyland that are here in Virginia. I am so happy that I have them here because I would be so lonely with out them. I really didn't know these two girls too well when I worked with them but I am so happy that I have gotten this opportunity to...they are truly nice people. I found out that because of all the drama that happened when I got pregnant and since I was not there to tell everyone the truth, they heard things from someone else. I cannot believe all the things that were said about me. I don't blame Adriana and Kathleen for not knowing what to think of me at first but it really hurt the things they really though of me just from this dumb person spreading lies so he can get people to feel bad for him. It sucks to think that there are probably people who think those things about me when they haven't gotten the chance to get the real story.

If you haven't already guessed who the person spreading the lies is...its Joey (India's sperm donor). I have done all I am going to do with him. He has called up my friends trying to get information from them about what I am doing and he won't even call me and just ask. He doesn't show that he really cares for his daughter but wants pictures so he can go show people and get responses back like; "Oh you are such a good father" or "She looks just like you" or even "Your baby's mama is such a bitch for taking your daughter away from you"...all of which is bull shit. I have tried to work things out with him and I have no problem with him in her life. I just would like him to help support her also. He has only given me $150 in the last 6 or 7 months. I was very appreciative of the money he did send and we spent it all on new clothes for India. But when he calls up and says that he cant pay me more because he is broke... and then turns around and tells my friend that he is going to Vegas on vacation and can pay for it now because he has a better job now. We can obviously see where his priorities are!

Just an update!

2007-07-30T20:01:00.000-04:00

So not too much is going on but I still wanted to write a blog so I am updating this page on a regular basis.

Work: right now it really sux! I go to work and don't know what I am doing. I am always getting traded off in different departments and end up doing dumb tedious stuff and it makes my day go by so slow. I really need to find a new job if it doesn't get better. I really want to take my manager's job. She is dumb and its super easy and I keep suggesting things to her to make things a bit more organized and not misplacing ppls things but she never takes my advice. Oh well... I am on the hunt!

Personally: I still have no real friends in VA. It sux. I think I'm at least ok to hang out with. I just want to have fun and have ppl over and have some drink and play some poker. Its really hard to like this place with no friends. I am starting at NOVA (northern VA community college) in the fall and I can't wait! I hope to meet some new people and learn alot more. I have never been to college and I know its just community college but I am super excited.

Patrick and I are still good. We just passed our 1 year together. I love him so much and I really want to get married. I have been excited and kinda eager lately cuz we have been talking about it more, even his mom brings it up and wants to take me dress shopping but still no ring. I know we are kinda tight on money right now so I can understand why he is waiting. I think I bug him about it too much tho and I really need to tone it down abit before he changes his mind. HEHEHE...

Physically: BLAH! My smoothie idea didn't work out too well. Why does everything taste better when someone else makes it? I have been trying to cut back on alot tho. I am not putting mayo on my sandwiches and really cutting down on cheese. I am so exhausted from work and taking care of India by the time I get to work out I am too tired. Its not working too well but I am still hopeful. I do feel like I am eating better tho.

I want a make over! I really need to get my eyebrows done, they need some shape to them. Not too skinny or anything but more like...

that. I wish I had a girl friend to go with tho ya know? I don't even know where good places are to go get them done. I also want to get my hair done. After looking at some pictures of me and seeing my hair from behind it wasn't pretty. It looks just dead and the blond from before is showing through so I need to do something about it. I really want to go for a Jennifer Garner look. Such as...

I want it to grow more too. I feel like my hair is on a stand still. I miss my porno hair! I guess I will just have to wait.

Sweet Tooth!

2007-07-22T11:26:00.000-04:00

If you really know me, you must know that I have a huge sweet tooth! So for me its really hard to diet with out something sweet. I am not huge or anything but I would like to loose a few stubborn pounds. I have come to the conclusion that the best way for me to do this with my sweet tooth is SMOOTHIES!

I went to the store yesterday and got all the things I need for my smoothies. I bought a brand new blender a few weeks ago (mainly for my margaritas lol). I bought some not fat vanilla yogurt, bunch of bags of frozen fruit and I didn't buy it yesterday but I plan on getting some whey protein to add to my smoothies. I plan on replacing two of my meals (breakfast and lunch) with smoothies and then eating a sensible dinner. I am also going to start doing my tae-bo.

Ok but that's not even my point in this blog, I really wrote it to tell you all what else I got at the store. Since I am not really starting my diet until Monday I decided to grab some ice cream since I have been craving it for so long. I opened the freezer door at the store in the Ben and Jerry's isle and there it was...

OMG!!! I love Cinnamon rolls or anything that tastes like it...so I thought what better than ice cream that tastes like cinnamon rolls. I don't know if you can read it in the picture but it is... Carmel ice cream with cinnamon bun dough and cinnamon streusel swirls. I was sorta hesitant that it would be too much and not that great but I took it home anyway. I got it out not too long after I got home and fell in love with the first bite. It taste just like cinnamon rolls but ice cream! I am in love and just thought you'd like to know. hehehe...

I recommend this to anyone who loves sweets like I do!

Camping at the Lake!

2007-07-16T20:01:00.000-04:00

So I went on a vacation...something I really haven't done in a long while. Patrick's family gets together every year and goes to Tennessee to South Holston Lake and camps. Patrick's dad just bought a new ski boat and got to take it out for the first time on the lake! I had never really been on a lake in a boat or anything so it was really exciting for me! I think I might even like it better than the beach, there is no nasty sand that gets everywhere, the water is cleaner and not all salty, and it wasn't too cramped like a lot of beaches get, plus I think there is a lot more you can do on a lake than on a beach.

I tried to water ski but even though it looks so easy its pretty hard to get up the first time. You need a lot of muscle in your legs to keep the skis together. I was also slung around on an inner-tube and some sorta float thing pulled by the boat, that was so fun even when it went to fast that we got thrown off! I got enough bruises and scrapes and a sunburn to show for it too!

India had a blast too! I got to meet more of Patrick's family and I really feel apart of it...I LOVE IT! I couldn't ask for anything better!

Here are some pics:

The boat:

Being pulled by the boat with Patrick and India:

Attempting to Ski:

The sunset on the drive there:

At the camp site:

India playing in the water:

Patrick jumping off Rock Island:

India tired out from a day on the lake with Colleen:

Patrick and I alittle burnt:

That's all for now. I have to get more Pics from his parents and sister and I will most likely be posting those on myspace soon! Take Care!

Welcome to my blog...Please enjoy!

2007-07-09T20:21:00.000-04:00

Welcome to my new blog! I know I have a Myspace and all but my blog on there has gotten a bit down so I decided to start fresh!

I guess I should start off with a little about me. I am a young mom who just moved to Virginia from California with the love of my life Patrick. I am having a harder time than I thought but I am trying to find the best of it all. I just met Patrick's parents and sister when I moved here and they have been my family and that is so nice since I really never felt that before.

My daughter is named India, and she is a very extraordinary two year old. She is my everything and more. She is so adorable and smart and caring, I think its a huge reflection of me and I am so proud. Everything I do, I do for her.

Right now I am working in small part of a moving company called Capital Records (No not the record label). I am still on the fence with my job but I really see how I can grow in the company and I am focusing on learning more. I plan on going to Community College here in VA to get a degree as a graphic artist. I feel that when I accomplish that I will have finally met a huge life goal.

I am a mother, a student, a hard worker, I'm in love and just trying to enjoy my "new" life.